By A NXIVM WOMAN
After a tune-up session, which consisted of him performing cunnilingus on me and culminated in my telling him I had an orgasm [to end it, which was a lie], and his ejaculation from his semi limp dick on my breasts, I asked him:
You talk of peace, yet concern yourself with litigation which is a form of war; you speak of finding truth, yet you lie about many things and ask me and others to lie; you speak of love, yet you want to torture ex-lovers, maybe me one day, and you speak of plenty, and you are obsessed with starvation.
He said: These contradictions are not accidental, nor do they result from hypocrisy: they are deliberate exercises. For it is only by reconciling contradictions that disintegrations are removed. Understand, if you and the other High Rank, as we call them, are to keep your places – then the prevailing mental condition of all members must be controlled.
One question at any rate was answered. I told him something about the pain I endured when I was branded:
Never, for any reason on earth, could I wish for an increase of pain. Of pain I could wish only one thing: that it would stop. Nothing in the world was so bad as physical pain. In the face of pain, there were no heroes, no heroes, I thought over and over as I writhed on the branding table at Allison’s house, clutching uselessly at the edge of the table while my arms and legs were held down and Dr. Roberts looked down at me leaning over like one who was demented.
He said: You had a feeling of deadly helplessness. But you volunteered, remember?
Volunteered? Had he forgotten the collateral? If I could have been certain that Vanguard was lying, it would not have seemed to matter. But it was perfectly possible that Vanguard had really forgotten the photographs. And if so, then he would have forgotten his denial of remembering it, and forgotten the act of forgetting. How could one be sure that it was simple trickery? Perhaps that lunatic dislocation in the mind could really happen: that was the thought that defeated me.
I tell you, he continued, that reality is not external. Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. Not in the individual mind, which can make mistakes, and in any case soon perishes: only in my mind, which is immortal. Whatever I hold to be truth, is truth. It is impossible to see reality except by looking through the eyes of Vanguard.
How can I help seeing what is in front of my eyes? Two and two are four, I said.
Sometimes. Sometimes, they are five. Sometimes, they are three. Sometimes, they are all of them at once. You must try harder. It is not easy to become integrated.
When finally you surrender, he told me, it must be of your own free will. I do not destroy the defiant one because she resists, so long as she resists me I never destroy her. I convert her, I capture her inner mind, I reshape her. I burn all evil and all illusion out of her; I bring her over to my side, not in appearance, but genuinely, heart and soul. I make her one of us before I kill her. That is what I mean by ‘I have had people killed for my beliefs’. It is intolerable that an erroneous thought should exist in NXIVM, however secret and powerless it may be. Even in the instant of death, I cannot permit deviation. I make the brain perfect before I blow it out.
I thought he was merely trying to frighten me and he did not mean what he said about killing or he was acting as if he were not a man but GOD.
He continued: The command of the tyrant is Thou Shalt Not. My command is Thou Shalt. My command is Thou Art. No one whom I bring to this place ever stands against me. Everyone is washed clean. Do not imagine that if you ever leave you will save yourself, however completely you surrender to me later. No one who has once gone astray is ever spared. And even if I chose to let you live out the natural term of your life, still you would never escape from me. What happens to you here is forever. Understand that in advance. I shall crush you down to the point from which there is no coming back if you defy me.
Things will happen to you from which you could not recover, if you lived a thousand years. If you try to leave me, never again will you be capable of ordinary human feeling. Everything will be dead inside you. Never again will you be capable of love, or friendship, or joy of living, or laughter, or curiosity, or courage, or integrity. You will be hollow. I will squeeze you empty and then I shall fill you with myself.