By A Woman Who Quit
I know that Lauren Salzman, Michelle Hatchette, Amanda Canning, Jimena Garza, Loretta Garza, India Oxenberg, Rosa Laura Junco, Allison Mack and [Name redacted] are in DOS.
[Name redacted], along with others, was supposed to get branded after the Coaches Summit last May at Apropos but the Frank Report in June put things on hold. She may have been branded after I left.
India Oxenberg, Michelle Hatchette and Danielle Roberts had sex with Keith. As did I – if you can call it sex.
Dr. Roberts had sex with him when she was still with her boyfriend [name redacted]. She was supposed to keep that a secret and I believe she hid it from him.
Keith told Danielle that her relationship with her boyfriend was covering up her issues. Her boyfriend tried to tell her that ESP was creating these issues. She would not leave. He finally left her and left ESP.
Danielle came in under Dr. Brandon Porter when Ultima came out. Dr. Porter approached her and said, “we are going to be doing the cutting edge of science.” She was a gymnast. She did Ultima and her boyfriend came in too.
Another thing I remember is that the women in DOS were ordered to go to volleyball to watch Keith play. It did not matter how late. Some of the women were doing intensives 14 hours a day and yet they were still expected to attend as many volleyball sessions late into the night then get up early to start classes.
A few women played. Samantha LeBaron played. Most women, Nicki Clyne, Rosa Laura Junco, Loreta Garza sat on the sidelines and watched. Rosa had four kids at home but she was out till 2 am watching Keith play volleyball and hoping he would notice her afterward and say a word to her.
I always thought her husband, Luis Montes, was unhappy about this. I knew him. He was a nice guy. He married into money and he was along for the ride I guess. Still imagine trying to be intimate with your wife and all you can see is Keith’s initials. I would have a hard time if I had a husband with a brand with another woman’s initials.
I took the Jness curriculum and I suspect Keith created it to convince women that polygamy was fine and that we women are entitled bitches if we want monogamy. Of course, Keith demanded that we be monogamous but he could have sex with many women.
Sex with him, some of the older women said, was spectacular. I did not find it to be even good. I did it because I had too. The irony is that the older women who still want Keith sexually, he does not want. And the younger women, he does want, but they are not as interested. They tolerate it. At least I did.
DOS might have been created to force younger women he wanted to have sex with to have sex with him.
As far as herpes, I never had genital to genital contact. Three women told me they had herpes. I heard of others. I don’t know how they got it and I did not ask.
Keith was impotent. At least he could not get it up with me. Several other woman I spoke with said the same thing. My best guess is he has been impotent for years. Maybe since about 2009. Whether that was caused by herpes or something else I don’t know. I wondered why he did not take Viagra, but I never asked. The last thing I wanted was intercourse with him. He had sex with dozens of women and might have a disease. And he was creepy. Maybe he was good looking once. But he was not in good condition. He looked wicked and in the semi dark of his library there were times he looked like a devil. Sometimes he smelled. Not from body odor. He was reasonably clean about that but smelled sometimes of other women, on his face. When he tried to come close to kiss me on the lips I was literally nauseous. I would close my eyes and turn my head away and let him kiss my on my cheek. But he is not a man to offend. You can tell he will punish you. He does not yell but he can intimidate with a soft voice and by asking questions that will put you in rising degrees of terror. You know he has collateral or someone does. All you want to do is please him. You no longer care how horrible it is.
At best I tolerated his oral sex – him giving me oral sex and never vice versa. He was flaccid anyway so it would have been impossible and he never asked me. He told me he was ‘tuning me’ or ‘adjusting me’ or helping me with my ‘disintegrations.’
I don’t know why I stayed as long as I did. I think the other women reinforcing his greatness had something to do with it and Keith preyed on my desire to do good things in the world. He was also a good conversationalist and funny when he wants to be. I believed in him for a time. I also think some of the things in ESP are good.
In June, I heard Lauren tell a couple women that Frank Report stories about branding were lies. ‘No women have ever been branded,’ she said. She was standing there telling them this and she was branded. I wanted to say, “Don’t lie, Lauren. You are branded yourself.” But I did not dare. Later I told the women. I don’t know if they believed me.
I hear from some friends who stay in touch with some of the people still in, that the word at Clifton Park is “Everything is going to blow over. Don’t talk to evil people; stay protected within the community.”
I am glad I am out. I only hope the women in Mexico read Frank Report and media reports. I know Keith and the Mexican women are persuasive. Keith will get a lot of Mexican women in unless he is arrested. I was never in the inner circle so I do not know about phony bookkeeping other than what I heard. I don’t think Keith trusted me. And Nancy did not like me. Frankly I did not like her.
Charmel Bowden should be ashamed of herself. She has aging parents that need looking after, a young son in college and a daughter who is legally blind (an adult) that she left behind in Washington State when she took off to move to Albany to be with her mentors Nancy Salman and Keith Raniere.
If she only knew how the inner leadership really talked about her behind her back would she stay? They are just using her due to her low self-esteem and need for attention and to be important. Charmel will be one of the people who will be dumped and left with nothing when NXIVM has no more use for her.
If her children find out what she is really into will they disown her? How about her parents?
“You can tell he will punish you. He does not yell but he can intimidate with a soft voice and by asking questions that will put you in rising degrees of terror.”
Manipulative sociopath.
“He told me he was ‘tuning me’ or ‘adjusting me’ or helping me with my ‘disintegrations.’”
He believes this about as much as you should believe it: not one bit.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for showing those who are still involved that there is life after NXIVM. If you’d be willing, it would be great to have you answer questions that many of us have about what’s really going on inside NXIVM and DOS – but, if you don’t want to do that, we’ll entirely understand. One question I have is how members view the fact that Nancy Salzman gave her two daughters to Keith Raniere? Do insiders find that as bizarre as I do?
Yes, that is a good question. I think narcissistic sociopathic types actually don’t give a F about anyone , even their own kids, so that likely what’s going on here. She wants to appease her all powerful Vanguard, so much so, that she will willing sacrifice her own kids, in hopes of gaining some type of imaginary power.
This is a great article. And it’s so good to see people who have stories coming forward now without as much fear. I feel like there are more leaks in different areas that still to come out. And it’s our responsibility to show the world who Keith and Nancy really are. I think Nancy has been left off the hook in much of this. Nancy was all a facade. Interactions with her could be very negative and she had a temper. She wasn’t what she appeared to be. My hope is that more brave people will tell more stories (especially DOS women / Jness women and SOP men) as that may be part of the way to get people that are still in, out.