Proposed standup for V for V-Week 2018

 

Venereal disease is no laughing matter.  Yet sometimes a good laugh – at the idiocy of what is transpiring in the world of Vanguard –  might help deprogram some folks wavering on the fence. [And there are several I am told.]

Vanguard uses a myriad of techniques to get people inducted.

rgh

So I told the slave, the joke’s on you. You can’t catch herpes twice.

r1

A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor she has “Vanguard Fever” Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!

 

a 6

r2

There was a Mexican man who came to V-Week and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time he was there. Then he returned to Monterrey and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis. The man freaked out. He went to the doctor. The doctor said, “I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests.” So they ran some tests and he said, “come back in three days for your test results. The man came back in 3 days and the doctor said, “I have some bad news. You have a disease called Vangaurdian HP. It is very uncommon here and we know little about it. I’m sorry sir but we will need to amputate your penis.” The man was horrified. He went to Clifton Park and saw Dr. Brandon Porter thinking he would know more about it. Dr. Porter said, “oh yes, Vanguardian HP, very aware. yes”. The man said, “My Mexican doctor wants to amputate my penis. “Unethical Mexican doctor,” Dr. Porter said. “He wants to make more money that way. No need amputate.” “Oh thank god” said the man. “Yes, wait two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”

r4

A member of the High Counsel of the Society of Protectors went to see Dr. Danielle Roberts. She said, “I have good news and bad news.” “What’s the bad news?” “Your wife has genital herpes.” “Jeez! What could possibly be good news?” “She didn’t get it from you.”

a1

r5

A DOS woman returns from V-Week and is feeling very ill. She goes to see her doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests. The woman wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by her bed rings. “This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It’s a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!” “Oh my gosh,” cried the woman, “What are you going to do, doctor?” “Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.” “It’s not on my diet, but will that cure me???” asked the DOS slave. The doctor replied, “Well no, but… it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

r6

You know I play piano at the concert level. So whats worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.

rgh

What’s green and eats nuts? Gonorrhea

demonlong_std.original

So, if you have the clap and you spread it around, is it called applause?

a3

 

kr

 

smiley keith

So I went to Karen on her birthday and recited this poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I cum on you?

KR1

So I went to the store to buy condoms. ‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks ‘No’, I said, ‘she’s not that ugly’

 

worlds_greatest_douchebag_

It’s a career option…. and I’m set for life.

6 thoughts on “Proposed standup for V for V-Week 2018

  1. This is awesome! Maybe Keith can use the long “it will fall off by itself” joke as a new ice breaker during his manificently brilliant and not at all overrated talks. Everyone is tired of lying to his face by saying the stupid and drawn out “suspenders stuck in the car door” ice breaker is funny.

    • But branding women near their vaginas, their submission to 500 calorie diets, vows of slavery, and having men cum on their as acceptance of male domination and polyamorous relationships is dignifying?

      More irony.

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