Mathematician computes devotion Sultan has for Kristin Kreuk

Editor’s Note: A commenter using the moniker “Behold” has used his mathematical skills to determine the quantity, if not the quality, of Kristin Kreuk aficionado Sultan of Six’s devotion to the virtue signalling taxpayer funded actress. 

By Behold

Was waiting for the kettle to boil and decided to read the Frank Report and the comments.

Surprise, surprise, resident stalker “SultanOfSix”, aka “Scarrom” “Karl Basset” “Jesse” etc is still ejaculating his low testosterone semen all over the comments regarding his dream spank, Kristin “Crook/Kook” Kreuk.

That got me thinking about two of the greatest mysteries of our times, that has eluded academics, scholars and laymen all over the internet:

1) How many spanks has Spanky spanked out to Kristin Kreuk.

2) How much semen, in milliliters has he ejaculated over Kristin Kreuk.


Lets say he started to stalk and spank it to Kristin Kreuk since 2005. That seems like a reasonable time frame.

Lets assume he has spanked it TWICE WEEKLY at a minimum, every week, for FOURTEEN YEARS (God Almighty…)

That would be:

– 96 spanks a year

– 1344 spanks over the course of fourteen years.


According to a quick google search:

“When a man reaches orgasm, he ejaculates fluid called semen. On average, men expel between 1.25 and 5.00 ml (1/4 of a teaspoon to 1 teaspoon) of semen each time they ejaculate. But this amount varies from man to man.”


Lets say Spanky ejaculates the minimal amount of 1.25ml or a quarter teaspoon of low testosterone jizz, every spank.

That would be:

– 1.25ml a spank

– 2.5ml a week

– 10ml a month

– 120ml a year

– 1680ml over FOURTEEN YEARS.


That is INCREDIBLE. What a sensational feat of unrivaled, unrequited infatuation to a woman who doesn’t even know he exists.


Lets put this in perspective:

1680ml is the equivalent of:

– 1.68 LITRES of low testosterone goo

– 7.100945 CUPS of goo

– 94.60434 IMPERIAL TABLESPOONS of goo.

– 3.70 POUNDS of goo.


A round of applause please, for one of the most prolific spankers of the modern internet age:

About the author

Frank Parlato

Frank Report’s founder and lead writer Frank Parlato is one of the internet’s most acclaimed investigative journalists. His writing and investigations have helped expose major criminal organizations and scandals.

Frank’s work has been cited in major publications all over the world, including The New York Times, New York Post, The Daily Mail, VICE News, CNN, Rolling Stone, and more.

He is also the publisher and editor-in-chief of Artvoice, The Niagara Falls Reporter, Front Page and the South Buffalo News.


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About Frank Parlato

About Frank Parlato

Frank Parlato is an investigative journalist.

His work has been cited in major publications all over the world, including The New York Times, The Daily Mail, VICE News, CNN, Fox News, Rolling Stone, People Magazine, and more.

Frank Parlato was the lead investigator and coordinating producer of Investigation Discovery's 2 hour blockbuster special 'The Lost Women of NXIVM.'

Frank Report is dedicated to Frank's investigative journalism and the pursuit of truth.

Read more about Frank Report's mission.

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