Vanguard stand-up routine #2

The following is parody. It is published to show an insight into the motives of the founder of Executive Success Programs, a man who never tells the truth, except when he is unintentionally being funny.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you – and let’s have a big hand for – the world’s greatest liar, it’s biggest perv and most creative sociopath, funny man Keith “Vanguard” Raniere…. [applause]

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Thank you folks. Hey, a lot of people talk about how I keep a harem. In the end, I have to scare them but I start with making jokes. I start with a pickup line that’s funny. It not only lets the lady know you want to fuck her, but that you’re a funny fuck. A funny fuck is like a funny drunk. Later, I turn nasty but first, when I shift from compassionate, all knowing guru to a guy who wants to fuck, then enslave them, I need a funny pickup line. Let me tell you a few of my favorites. Here is one that unfortunately has a double meaning – but it works…. “I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U baby.”

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“Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on.”

lauren emilaisno

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I always use the same lines. 40 years. They never get old. Neither do the teens I go after.  Here’s my favorite. “Just call me baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.”

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Sometimes when I have them at my bachelor pad on Hale, I pour a little wine… give them this cute little smile, and say, “Just say yes now and I won’t have to spike your drink”.

 

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Yeah, I’ve fucked a lot of women, students, but you still got get ’em loosened up. They came to my place thinking I was gonna teach them something heavy, so you gotta get em loose. I look at their breasts and say. “Got two nipples for a dime?”  I like to let them know I’m smart. “What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? The more you play with them,the harder they get.”

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Speaking of heavy topics. “What do you call two DOS women talking? A heavy discussion. Come on, I’m a friend of your dad.”

 

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That works best when they’re under 13. Hey you, in the third row, you look too classy for pickup lines, that’s why I have roofies.

shajo

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Once in awhile, they get tough with me. Me, The Vanguard. But I know how to handle them. “Yeah, go on … call the cops…we’ll see who cums first…..  I’ve got a knife and a penis and one of them is going inside you.” 

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But I like funny. Boner…. see it made you laugh. Boner is a funny word. But you got to work it in a sentence. Like, “I made a big boner when I tried to teach you at your first intensive…. It was hard to concentrate because all the blood from my brain went to my boner…”  “What’s the difference between a boner and a Lamborghini? I don’t have a Lamborghini right now.” Yeah I know Clare has one, but I can’t get a boner near her.

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But honestly, women are stupid…  That’s why I blackmail and brand them. But you gotta mind fuck them before you dick fuck ’em. Start by appealing to what women want. Young ones, [and who wants to fuck hags in their 40s] want a man to take care of them and have a baby…. You want to get them in on the futon, fuck em and forget em. Promise them an avatar baby….. “My futon pulls out, but I don’t”… “You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I’m 20.” … Hey you seated in the front seat… Do you like heavy metal? Because I can teach you how to scream.

shajo

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If you force sex on a DOS slave, is it rape or rustling? you choose. 

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Real men don’t wear pink, they eat it. Like the weather, once it’s wet, it’s time to go inside.

 

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Oh yeah? The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement… but I’m a necrophiliac, so why don’t you drop dead and I’ll think about it!

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It’s all one big mind fuck. The idea is to transition them from adoring student to naked girl ready to fuck. … “Can I read your t-shirt in braille?” … “I’m no perv. [not yet] But do you think I could borrow that dress? …  I find your lack of nudity disturbing?”

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But if they don’t cooperate, I can be scary… “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? … I’ll bet you have the cutest smile when you sleep.”

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Food works…   I starve my slaves but when I want to fuck – I talk about eating. It makes them hungry for sex…. Trust me it works…. “I eat pussy, how do you like me so far?”

lauren emilaisno

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You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.  

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Want to have sex? No? I’m so disappointed…. RAPE IT IS!

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Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering A minor. Clare, what’s the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.? E.T. eventually went home. Lauren, what’s the difference between being hungry and horny? … Where you put the cucumber. See you on your birthday.

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Allison, what did the penis say to the vagina? Don’t make me cum in there. India, what did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me! Melissa, what do you call balls on your chin? A dick in your mouth! Sahajo, what do you call a short, 13 year old Mexican girl? Cuntswaylow. …. Maggie, why did the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong socks when I went to meet you on Hale. … I was teaching a Mexican teen English, one morning, and she asked Rosa Laura how to spell “Keith’s Penis”. Rosa Laura said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue….. Thank you. It is with the greatest gratitude, tribute and just awe that I will, if I can, hand over the mic to Clare Bronfman. Keep her on stage. I don’t want to see her in my room tonight and have to fuck her. Thank you very much ladies, and cuckolds…. see you in my hot tub  — just the ladies, no, not you – fatty, her…. No, not you Clare, good night!

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Isn’t he amazing….

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It really works.

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