The following is parody. It is published to show an insight into the motives of the founder of Executive Success Programs, a man who never tells the truth, except when he is unintentionally being funny.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce to you – and let’s have a big hand for – the world’s greatest liar, it’s biggest perv and most creative sociopath, funny man Keith “Vanguard” Raniere…. [applause]
Thank you folks Hey a lot of people talk about how I keep a harem In the end I have to scare them but I start with making jokes I start with a pickup line thats funny It not only lets the lady know you want to fuck her but that youre a funny fuck A funny fuck is like a funny drunk Later I turn nasty but first when I shift from compassionate all knowing guru to a guy who wants to fuck then enslave them I need a funny pickup line Let me tell you a few of my favorites Here is one that unfortunately has a double meaning but it works I put the STD in STUD all I need is U babyDo I know you from somewhere because I dont recognize you with your clothes on
I always use the same lines 40 years They never get old Neither do the teens I go after Heres my favorite Just call me baby cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 monthsSometimes when I have them at my bachelor pad on Hale I pour a little wine give them this cute little smile and say Just say yes now and I wont have to spike your drink
Yeah Ive fucked a lot of women students but you still got get em loosened up They came to my place thinking I was gonna teach them something heavy so you gotta get em loose I look at their breasts and say Got two nipples for a dime I like to let them know Im smart What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common The more you play with themthe harder they get
Speaking of heavy topics What do you call two DOS women talking A heavy discussion Come on Im a friend of your dad
That works best when theyre under 13 Hey you in the third row you look too classy for pickup lines thats why I have roofies
Once in awhile, they get tough with me. Me, The Vanguard. But I know how to handle them. “Yeah, go on … call the cops…we’ll see who cums first….. I’ve got a knife and a penis and one of them is going inside you.”
But I like funny. Boner…. see it made you laugh. Boner is a funny word. But you got to work it in a sentence. Like, “I made a big boner when I tried to teach you at your first intensive…. It was hard to concentrate because all the blood from my brain went to my boner…” “What’s the difference between a boner and a Lamborghini? I don’t have a Lamborghini right now.” Yeah I know Clare has one, but I can’t get a boner near her.
But honestly women are stupid Thats why I blackmail and brand them But you gotta mind fuck them before you dick fuck em Start by appealing to what women want Young ones and who wants to fuck hags in their 40s want a man to take care of them and have a baby You want to get them in on the futon fuck em and forget em Promise them an avatar baby My futon pulls out but I dont You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until Im 20 Hey you seated in the front seat Do you like heavy metal Because I can teach you how to scream
If you force sex on a DOS slave, is it rape or rustling? you choose.
Real men dont wear pink they eat it Like the weather once its wet its time to go inside
Oh yeah The last time I saw a body like yours I was burying it in my basement but Im a necrophiliac so why dont you drop dead and Ill think about it
Its all one big mind fuck The idea is to transition them from adoring student to naked girl ready to fuck Can I read your t shirt in braille Im no perv not yet But do you think I could borrow that dress I find your lack of nudity disturbing
But if they dont cooperate I can be scary Does this rag smell like chloroform to you Ill bet you have the cutest smile when you sleepFood works I starve my slaves but when I want to fuck I talk about eating It makes them hungry for sex Trust me it works I eat pussy how do you like me so far
You’re so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Want to have sex No Im so disappointed RAPE IT IS
Why was the guitar teacher arrested For fingering A minor Clare whats the difference between an illegal immigrant and ET ET eventually went home Lauren whats the difference between being hungry and horny Where you put the cucumber See you on your birthday
Allison what did the penis say to the vagina Dont make me cum in there India what did the banana say to the vibrator Why are YOU shaking Shes going to eat me Melissa what do you call balls on your chin A dick in your mouth Sahajo what do you call a short 13 year old Mexican girl Cuntswaylow Maggie why did the semen cross the road I wore the wrong socks when I went to meet you on Hale I was teaching a Mexican teen English one morning and she asked Rosa Laura how to spell Keiths Penis Rosa Laura said you should have asked me last night it was at the tip of my tongue Thank you It is with the greatest gratitude tribute and just awe that I will if I can hand over the mic to Clare Bronfman Keep her on stage I dont want to see her in my room tonight and have to fuck her Thank you very much ladies and cuckolds see you in my hot tub just the ladies no not you fatty her No not you Clare good night
Frank Parlato
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Perfect comedic satire for a misigynistic creepy sex predator/stalker who fronts as an ethical leader.