This is in response to Was Allison Mack Making Plea for Help With Blog Posts?
This is anxiety that Allison Mack expresses. Consistently, her anxiousness has tended to shift from topic to topic, according to what she is trying to ponder. The elements composing her anxiousness and her personal neediness show, in other words, regardless of whatever her subject is. (And usually, her subject is herself.)
I perceive from her cited blog entries that she knows that she is caught up in wrongdoing and that it is causing her tremendous inner conflict, but most particularly huge worries about the possibility of being caught for those wrongdoings.
“…the whole street whispering secrets.”
You bet your ass it was and for very good reasons. Those whispering leaves and streets represent her conscience trying hard to get her to pay attention, whereas what Allison was doing was letting her conscience go down for the count.
I went through a battle with my conscience once that deteriorated to the point where I woke up often with dry heaves. I had been afraid to work to solve the conflict. It had to be faced though.
Allison is far from alone here. She was too trapped to be able to solve it for herself. She was living in a chaos of intense peer pressure, hunger and groupthink, beneath a foul, foul individual and his batch of dizzy, attached fanatics.
She speaks of “fear of intimacy” as part of what distresses her. Just pile on the new age manure! Parroting words and concepts without concentration, without investigation, without understanding is an old and popular game. If she knew herself more “intimately”, she would never, ever have been attracted to the Raniere-based life that she chose. She would have been more at home with her own core. Maybe now she is.
Certainly, she was helped to get semi-out of this catastrophe by its having been exposed. She was not helped out of it by any inner, personal change to do with her own comprehension. It is obvious that she was under inner and outer pressure to keep the cult’s sickness and all of its criminality secretive.
Allison doesn’t seem to be a secretive person, though. She seemed to want to share this Raniere crap with the whole world. The secretiveness itself could have partly sparked her anxiety. Secretiveness shows that there is some motivation to keep things hidden. Allison wanted to be proud. Allison wanted to be admired. Allison wanted to be able to want to be noticed, but how could she manage that with these circumstances?