[Editor’s note: An anonymous reader made this comment. The person may or may not be a former NXIVM member, but either way, it rings true to me.]
By Ex-NXIVM Member
NXIVM was about creating an ethical, just world, but the means it justified doing that did not conform to ethical standards.
It used money and power to intimidate and harm others. It was OK to distort the facts, sue people into submission and use the fortune of the Bronfman’s to gain favor with the NYS Attorney General and New York State Police.
The question for me is: how did I get there? What part of me was attracted to this? On the most basic level, I knew nothing about those particular events but perhaps I was attracted to the air of superiority that “we knew best and could save the world?” Furthermore, is there a part of me that is a sociopath, a liar, a thief? I wasn’t totally innocent. I couldn’t have gotten myself into this unless some part of me was attracted to this. The person I was attracted to most was found to have over 500 K in cash hidden in her home. What does that say? That’s not exactly the actions of someone who is really committed to changing the world, rather it’s the behavior of someone who has an escape plan from society. And, I had thought she was cute!
The reality is I detest myself for my own behaviors and I can’t blame that on NXIVM; they were in me before I got to NXIVM. It’s not pleasant even to admit this anonymously but there is no other way to get beyond it – this grotesque behavior – unless one comes to terms with it.