To the Espians Who Remain, Especially the Women:
There are two obstacles blocking your path to self awareness. If you are in an intimate or special relationship with Keith, you associate your value closely with that.
How special you are ethically, spiritually, maybe sexually, because he is with you. This is your identity now. It wipes away your past failures, lack of skills and personal success.
As one of Keith’s “Special Ones” you have a destiny and are important to the world. And because of Keith, your children will be special too. Some of Keith’s Special Ones have no education, no practical world skills, cannot execute on simple projects, and live week to week – paycheck to paycheck.
Yet many believe their relationship with Keith makes them superior to other women, and men.
Keith wants his Special Ones to burn through their years without gaining independence. Higher education outside of ESP is highly discouraged. Realistic career counseling is non-existent.
Keith wants all his women’s personal value to be 100% tied to him.
Where do you see Keith providing real world practical business coaching?
Other than a handful of people who are independently wealthy or had established careers before they joined ESP, who is successful? Anyone?
How would you see yourself, if you were not a Special One? How would the whole community see you? Do you double down on your commitments to Keith when you feel insecure? To prove your value to Keith and to the ESP community? To prove your superiority?
Obstacle #1 – If you identify yourself with your relationship with Keith, and your sense of place in the world based on your Vows and commitments to him and “his” vision, how can you change? Why would you change?
Something to consider is, what kind of man would want that level of dependence on him? Where is Keith’s compassion? Why doesn’t he care about YOUR success? Could it be true, it’s all about HIM? His vision, his ideas, his schedule, his plans, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith. Where are YOU in the equation other than what you can do for him? You joined ESP to better yourself. YOURSELF, not to better Keith’s life.
Obstacle #2: What value will you have in the outside world without being special because of your loyalty to Keith? If you can’t realistically assess that question, then you are mentally blocked, and could it be worth contemplating what that block is?
If you would struggle personally or financially if you left Keith than in the least you are in a highly dysfunctional relationship. If you would struggle now it won’t get better only worse. The more time you put into building your value around Keith’s dysfunction the more you rob yourself of a chance to build value in yourself. In a reality based life with real world practical measurable results, and healthy interdependent relationships.
It’s never too late to start over and make your life a success. Unfortunately the clock ticks on and time moves forward. Your time on this planet is your most valuable resource. Will you keep investing in Keith’s wants, needs, desires, plans, ideas, control, schedule? Or will you invest it in yourself? What do you want for you? Truthfully. Are you afraid to admit to yourself what you really want? Do you rationalize away you dreams telling yourself they are all based on an “inner deficiency” and will never make you happy? Or all your wants are “irrational desires”?
What if that’s not true? What if Keith made that all up?
Resurrect your dreams. Create your own Vision.
One for you.
Frank Parlato 
Janine Morrison 
J.J. O'Hara 
Richard Luthmann 
Marie White 
Paul Serran
Dear Espian Community,
Many of us have left NXIVM. Why have we left? Have you considered why we might leave? What are the possibilities? Can you for a second contemplate possible reason’s? With your own mind, based on your own personal experience? Is it possible to put a side, just for a second, what you have been told about why we left? Just for a second? And think about it on your own?
What if you were to evaluate all of your first hand experiences of the people who have left, and your first hand experiences of Keith, Nancy, Lauren, and Clare, the operations of ESP, and you did so putting aside what you were told. Try and evaluate it, without all the Keith, Nancy, Lauren, Clare, etc. explanations of things, and evaluate afresh. What have you personally seen and experienced?
Was there ever a time things seemed off? (but it was explained) Something seemed not right? (it was explained – “It’s hard to bring ethics into the world”) One or more people were obviously not doing well although being coached personally by Keith and Nancy (it was explained – “they have issues, they are failures, they are lazy, they have no character….that’s why we need you). Have you wondered, why do all the NXIVM businesses fail? Why does Clare need to keep pumping money into everything to keep the businesses afloat? (It was explained, “it’s because of the negative press, enemies want to destroy Keith”). Have you ever wondered about Keith’s schedule? Why he keeps people on call all day – sometimes the whole organization and won’t commit to a class or forum time till the last minute? (It was explained – “Keith is working around the clock so hard to save the Mission, he didn’t know if he could make it”) Have you ever noticed a high level of incompetence in administration-operations, or people put into senior management positions with little skills or experience? And often those people seem very physically friendly with Keith and alone with him alot? (It was explained – “It’s easier to train an ethical person then make an experienced person ethical”)
If you are a Special One or friends with a Special One, have you ever felt jealous of other women in Keith’s life? (It was explained – “that is your issue, nothing from the outside world will ever fill your inner deficiency”. “Keith is bringing up your issue so you can work it. If he gave you what you wanted it would cover your inner deficiency and you would never grow.”) Have you ever wondered, why does Keith need to have so many personal and sometimes sexual relationships with women? How does that help the Mission? How does that help spread ESP in the world? (It was explained -“Focus on yourself and your issue. When you integrate your disintegration about monogamy you will see the world differently. Or “Keith can work with women in a way that he can’t work with men.” Or “Keith’s sexual energy is so transformative. A woman he works with in this way can be come unified much easier than a man using only EM’s. He will raise your whole vibrational level.”) Have you ever asked yourself, the women that have been sleeping with Keith for years, why would I want lives like their’s? They aren’t so happy. And are still jealous after all this time. Why haven’t they integrated that issue? (It was explained – “this is a hard path, that is why we need you. You are a Special One.”)
I imagine, this is hard to read for many in the Espian community. Especially hard for the Special Ones. I understand.
OCCUM’S RAZOR from Wikipedia. “Suppose there exist two explanations for an occurrence. In this case the simpler one is usually better. Another way of saying it is that the more assumptions you have to make, the more unlikely an explanation is.”
Try if you can to continue reading. Could it be possible for you to re-read the above without the explanations and all the assumptions you need to make in order to make the Nancy and Keith type explanations plausible? What if you did that?
What is the simplest explanation for what you have witnessed and experienced?
FROM ABOVE WITH SIMPLE EXPLANATIONS:
Something seemed not right? Simple: something isn’t right.
One or more people were obviously not doing well although being coached personally by Keith and Nancy? Simple: people coached by Keith and Nancy don’t do well.
Have you wondered, why do all the NXIVM businesses fail? Why does Clare need to keep pumping money into everything to keep the businesses afloat? Simple: the business models aren’t sustainable. They fail.
Have you ever wondered about Keith’s schedule? Why he keeps people on call all day – sometimes the whole organization and won’t commit to a class or forum time till the last minute? Simple: Keith doesn’t value your or other people’s time.
Have you ever noticed a high level of incompetence in administration-operations, or people put into senior management positions with little skills or experience? And often those people seem very physically friendly with Keith and alone with him a lot? Simple: women Keith is intimate with get high level positions regardless of skill and Keith’s businesses fail.
If you are a Special One or friends with a Special One, have you ever felt jealous of other women in Keith’s life? Simple: jealousy is a natural human emotion.
Have you ever wondered, why does Keith need to have so many personal and sometimes sexual relationships with women? How does that help the Mission? How does that help spread ESP in the world? Simple: Keith’s sex life is a very high priority to him.
Have you ever asked yourself, the women that have been sleeping with Keith for years, why would I want lives like their’s? They aren’t so happy. And are still jealous after all this time. Why haven’t they integrated that issue? Simple: integration doesn’t work. Feelings like jealousy cannot be EM’d away. Women in Keith’s life are unhappy.
I hope this helps you evaluate your experience, and creates more options for you in the world. Summary of simple explanations:
Something isn’t right.
People coached by Keith and Nancy don’t do well.
The business models aren’t sustainable. They fail.
Keith doesn’t value other people’s time.
Women Keith is intimate with get high level positions regardless of skill and Keith’s businesses fail.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion.
Keith’s sex life is a very high priority to him.
Integration doesn’t work. Feelings like jealousy cannot be EM’d away. Women in Keith’s life are unhappy.
Good luck and think hard.
Wizard in the Wings,
This is a beautiful post. Thank you.
Wow…This needs to be posted as a separate piece because it does a great job of encapsulating what Keith and his jackal sycophants do to innocent people.
Ha. Re-reading I realize I have typos that need to be fixed. Whoops.
I liken this to an anology of a tree in the forest.
You were once a strong tree, standing tall in a forest. You were not the most amazing tree. But you were who you were. You’ve been subject to years of environmental influence. You have permanent bends and breaks from environmental influences over the years. Toxic soil, the wind, the occasional fire, animals, they’ve all had influences on your growth.
Then Keith arrives as the chief steward of the new forest, and clears space for a small sapling growing from the base of your trunk. It’s born of you, growing from your own massive trunk. You are essentially becoming nothing more than a nurse tree. We all know what a nurse tree is. The chief steward teaches you that you are the sapling and this is your true self. Then teaches you that you need to focus all your attention, all of your life energy on this sapling. Dispel the tree you once were.
He encourages your sapling to grow, convincing you that you will become this wonderful new species of tree. And your nurse tree (your big tree self) is narly, weather beaten and unreliable. Susceptible to all the dangers of the forest. He says forget that big tree. It’s toxic and ugly and can no longer support you. But in order to completely rid yourself of your dependence on your nurse, your new sapling self requires special attention according to Kieth. And he will provide.
You wonder if this is true. You fear letting go of the nurse because that’s all you’ve ever known. It feels like a painful proposition so you question it at first. Then you look around and you see that Kieth has successfully cultivated many saplings in other trees all around you. That’s all you can see. All these beautiful little saplings nursing off of the giant trees that have been standing for years. All these little new little saplings Begin to obscure the massive trunks they nurse off of. You see only happy saplings, trees that look just like you, talk like you, think like you, and you think to yourself, look, were growing a forest here. Look at all of us. We’re all going to grow up to be a huge wonderful forest of beautiful trees. We’re going to be the envy of all the other trees in the forest. And the plan seems to be working.
And in the beginning, your sapling is nourished by the stewards of the forest (NXIVM) Fertilized and cleared of invasive species (ideas) that you are told are there to harm you. You become convinced that you are fresh, that you’re good and growing stronger. All the other saplings nursing off their host trunks feel the same. You are going to be a majestic forest, impervious to all that can hurt you.
Soon after, your trusted stewards come through your beautiful forest and cut down all the giant trees you’ve been nursing off of for some time.
One by one the giant trees around you disappear. The branches are cleared first and you begin to feel the warmth of the sun. You’ve never felt this before. This feels like heaven. You feel a breeze like you’ve never felt before.
But the wonderful giant tree that was once you, that beautiful wise tree that has been shaped by years of growth in that forest with all its pain, joy and love is gone too. The stewards have come through and cleared all of these giant trees and unceremoniously discarded them. The stewards convince you that your sapling self is stronger than your toxic host. How can this can be you wonder?But now you have access to water, to air, and you feel the warmth of the sun. It feels right. You begin to forget all that you were and all the richness that had grown that massive former self.
Now all of you tiny trees stand there, a sea beautiful little saplings, growing from the stumps of their former selves, intent on creating this amazing forest of newness.
For a while, you grow in strength and numbers. This forest is going to be amazing.
Some don’t make it and are cleared away in the same way the big trees were.
Others become pet projects of the stewards. Special attention is given to those saplings who need extra help. And they seem to flourish. They’ve completely forgotten where they came from.
Some time later, stewards arrive again to check on the saplings. They convince you that because you are all still drawing from that same toxic soil you began in, tou must make a sacrifice by pruning your branches. It will make you stronger if they must cut away the parts of you that they find offensive and not in line (or at cause). After all, growth requires sacrifice.
So over the next several years the stewards keep a steady agenda of cutting away branches that don’t align with their plan of creating a forest of oneness. A forest where all the trees look, think and act the same.
But you don’t seem to mind at first. You even arrive at a place where when a steward shows up in your neck of the woods, you buzz with excitement. You’re convinced if they just cut away a few more rogue branches you will all grow into this unbelievable forest of fantastic proportions.
This goes on for years.
Then one day you look around and realize that the forest is all the same. The same height, the same shape, the same ideas. You also realize that you don’t seem to be growing as fast as that old tree once did. You remember the one. That beautiful tall tree that was once you with all its interesting experiences in the forest that made it what it was. Full of strengths and weaknesses that created you into that unique tree. One, that when observed by an outsider was full of interesting shapes and colour and was full of desire and love for the world around you.
But the steward continue trimming back your branches. They have convinced you your journey to become strong comes at a price.
It must be true because look at all the other wonderful trees around you. They all started out the same. As a tall, beautiful, marvellous parts of nature. And look at them. they all seem to be thriving as tiny trees.
So for a while you continue to pay a price for your growth, allowing the stewards under the watchful eye of chief steward Kieth to chip away at your limbs.
But your still not getting to the forest height you thought you’d achieve. You begin to wonder if you will ever reach the height and strength of you’re almost forgotten former self.
So you ask the stewards for more help. You ask them to do whatever it takes to get you there. The stewards extract more limbs in the name of your personal growth. You willingly oblige.
Some of the saplings, mere shadows of their former selves, believe they are already strong, tall, powerful trees now. Able to withstand all the environment and universe inflicts on them. They don’t see themselves because they are constantly looking upward for the next thing that is going to put them over the top.
The stewards have them convinced they are better than they’ve ever been. And they keep those small trees focused on the idea of a “forest”. That the idea of that majestic forest is the prize. And it’s attainable if they just stick with the plan. Ignore any trees who think otherwise.
You grow along, trying to ignore the suppressive trees around you who try to convince you you’re wrong to question. They implore you to listen to the stewards. Trust in the program. But something isn’t feeling quite right. You cannot help but wonder why your real growth is not happening the way you thought it would. The stewards try to convince you that a punishing pruning is for your own good and if you don’t do it you will never be strong.
One day while questioning your stunted growth, without thinking you happen to shift your gaze from the prize and you look down. To your amazement you realize something you’ve long forgotten, that your roots are still firmly planted in that old stump of your former self. You’d forgotten that, because it’s been drilled into you that all of your focus must continue looking up to your chief steward. All of your focus has been on following his advice. Cutting your limbs and keeping you stunted with the promise of massive growth.
You also begin to realize that you are still subject to all the toxic soil, wind, occasional fire, and animals, that had influenced the amazing that former self. Your giant tree self that has become an all but faded memory. And your new young roots are still firmly planted into the roots of that former self, drawing from the same universe, exactly they way you have always drawn from it. Only now you are small, and broke. You realize that because you are no where near your size or strength of the former you, that you are being weakened by the toxicity of an environment that you haven’t naturally grown accustomed to because you’ve been taught it was wrong, and are being led to believe by the forest stewards that it’s your own fault for not listening to them.
Eventually, a few of the small trees begin to recognize the truth. That for all the nurturing, encouragement, the constant pruning (the actual cost of the growth) they are still roughly the same size they were when the giant trees were cut down.
All perceived growth has been a mind trick played out by the chief steward to keep you in line. Keep you paying. Keep you submissive.
The forest never had a promise to grow. The forest was simply used to enrich the lives of the stewards. It was a grand experiment in manipulation, bent on exploiting all of the resources your beautiful forest had to offer.
But you realize now that you are in fact that same old stump. You are that tree. You’d lost sight of the fact you are still standing in the very same spot you’ve always been. And sure. It feel like you’ve grown. You’re alive. Your are present. But you are small. And you’re never going to realize your maximum height because you’ve been fooled into believing that in order to grow, you must be chipped away at. A very counterintuitive approach.
But the truth is, you have only ever been you. You have always been a product of the forest you began in. And that forest can be a beautiful place if you simply let yourself grow and work with that environment. And especially if you don’t let the stewards manipulate you into believing that what they are doing to you is in the name of making you powerful. Because they will never let you grow powerful. They will always keep you stunted and comliant.
And when you do that, and learn that all you ever had to do was open up to the possibilities around you, that the once toxic ground you once grew in can actually be furtile ground if you learn to let the universe guide you. If you are willing to let it, will provide.
And only you can can grow into that beautiful tree alone.
I think it’s time about time for Internal Affairs to get on it – if they haven’t been doing so already and shit is about to hit the fan. [wink] [wink]
Well, one thing is for sure. If NXIVM somehow got one or more members of the Alaska State Police to help suppress the real details of Kristin Snyder’s disappearance, it wouldn’t be the only time they’ve been able to influence a criminal investigation by a State Police agency. That very same thing has happened a lot closer than Alaska.