Your Weekly Horoscope: It’s in The Stars

By Jean Topascani

In these troubled times, Frank Report knows readers need a message of hope. And what greater hope is there than knowing the stars rule our destiny?

There are 12 zodiac signs. Almost everyone fits at least one. If you know your birthday, and I realize many Frank Report readers are of uncertain parentage – just find the sign that corresponds to it.

Follow the advice to the letter and things will go well for you, probably for the first time in years. Now sit back, relax, and obey the commands of the stars.

Aries: (March 21 – April 19)

You’re hot as a raw clove of garlic, but bad breath hinders romance. Invest in breath mints. Follow your instincts on matters involving a cult leader. Reduce caloric intake. You are accused of being anti-Semitic after telling a judge you want a Rabbi’s-foot for good luck. Lamb curry makes a nourishing meal.

Friday PM: Someone will send you an instant message – with a baseball bat.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Ducking for apples — change one letter. That’s the story of your life. Follow this axiom for other’s safety: no glove, no love. Lying is fun but you need far less practice to be most effective. You are full of bulls, but you know it. Avoid all Tuaruses you meet.

Thursday AM: Do not make love outdoors. Temperatures may dip well below freezing. Frostbite is a significant risk.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Neptune in 8th. You will find that some astrological advice you read this week will be misleading and potentially cost you a lot of money. Don’t turn the other cheek. It’s just as ugly. Everyone assumes you’re up to no good, which is a valid assumption at any time. 

Saturday PM: Men approaching you with ropes probably aren’t just out for a skip.

Cancer: (June 21 – July 22):

Pluto shifts, signaling you’re not yourself this week. People notice the improvement immediately. Use Ibuprofen to reduce swelling. Good news. You’re not dyslexic; just stupid. Anti-cult activities lead to dangerous discoveries. You end up in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program. Eat a dozen blue crabs this week.

Sunday AM. Stop at the Seven-Eleven and get a slushy. Do not drink it too fast or risk sphenopalatine ganglio neuralgia.

 Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Jupiter in retrograde. You’ll find yourself . . . and you’ll be terribly disappointed. Mars in trine with Pluto sparking discoveries. You will learn that your spouse cheats on you when you taste your spouse’s breath on the new maid’s lips.

Tuesday noon: Someone will take a photo of you, but it won’t turn out well. You can be seen too clearly.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Mars transits your 12th House, inviting introspection. You will find yourself and wish you hadn’t.

You start a pyramid scheme that is totally different from all the others. Indictment looms. 

Optimism grows with Neptune in 6th House: You think of yourself as a hot chick. Saturn in the 5th House invites correction: Your lover dumps you like a truckload of chicken entrails.

Monday AM: Reconsider wardrobe choices.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

People don’t just think you act stupid; they’re sure it’s the real thing. If you really want to know about mistakes, start by asking your parents.

It is always wrong to body shame, but you CAN do something about your sunken, bloodshot eyes, your sallow complexion dotted with pimply blackheads, and bleeding piles. Failure to make mortgage payments leaves Uranus in empty House.

Tuesday AM: You wake up in a place you don’t recognize.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A YouTube video you overhear today will concern principles on which you must base your entire life. You will meet a German, vegan book cataloger from rural and upscale Connecticut with a heart as big as a solarium.

Learn from your parents’ mistakes: use birth control. Try therapy. You are not welcome anywhere except at the proctologist’s convention. Try to get to the bottom of the problem and rectify the situation.

Saturday PM: Post a thirst trap.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will face your worst fears this week — after standing in front of a bathroom mirror. Your first instinct will be to run. Disappointment looms when, during your Inner-city Boys’ Club trip to the country, you discover that a hoe-down wasn’t exactly what you thought it would be.

Friday AM: Carry a hundred-dollar bill in your shoe, an extra magazine for your .45 in your back pocket, and a condom in your wallet.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Mars in 5th House fires your passions as it moves into Taurus. Bad dairy causes embarrassing movement into Uranus. Proceed with EXTREME CAUTION.

It is often wrong to body shame. However, you can do nothing about your unevenly spaced eyes, elfin ears, doubly cleft chin, and the fact that you’re duckfooted.

Thursday AM: Sterilize yourself

Saturday PM: Flattery will get you laid.

Sunday: Apply permethrin cream liberally all over the infested area.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

After hours and hours of torrential downpours, the sun will finally break through, and you will go outside and take a walk as if nothing had happened.

You are known far and wide for your lyrical voice, beautiful eyes, and hairy legs.

Mars in 7th House brings lucid imagination. You’re a dreamer. Sometimes you watch birds and wonder, “If I could fly, who would I shit on?”

Thursday: Interactions of the Jupiter/Saturn conjunction suggest encouraging news tomorrow will turn out to be false.

Jean Topascani

Jean Topascani

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