A Herpes Standup Comedy Routine Keith Raniere Never Got to Use


Venereal disease is no laughing matter.

Yet, when I was busy attacking Nxivm and Keith Raniere, in the summer and early fall of 2017, before the New York Times story ran and the FBI investigation began, venereal disease was on my mind – not for myself – but for the members of Keith Raniere’s harem and most likely the flaccid one himself.

Several sources told me that the harem was grossly infested with herpes.

I had no problem writing about it then [or now].

As part of what I did, I wrote a few comedy sketches about it, which I proposed that Keith Raniere might deliver at Vanguard Week 2018.

Unfortunately for Vanguard, he never had a chance to deliver any monologue, for he was arrested on March 26, 2018, six months to the day from his birthday, and almost six months before Vanguard Week 2018 was to commence.

It remains a fact that this skunk and his promiscuous ways – especially his unprotected sex with so many women – created a virtual pandemic of herpes in the harem.

And that’s not funny.

In any event, here is one of several standup routines I wrote for Vanguard, knowing full well he was unlikely to ever deliver them – even if he hadn’t been arrested.

So, I told the DOS slave, the joke’s on you. You can’t catch herpes twice.


That skinny little teen girl, who never shaved, she walks into the medical clinic and pulls down her pants and tells the doctor she thinks she has “Vanguard Fever”.

The doctor said, “Nope it’s Herpes!”


Oh, this is a sad story. True story.

There was a Mexican ESP member who came to V-Week and when he was there, the dirty dog, he had a lot of sex and never used a condom.

Then when V-Week was over, he returned to Monterrey – and one morning, about a week later, he woke up and noticed some bright green and purple dots all over his penis.

The man sort of freaked out. He rushed to see his doctor.

The doctor examined him and said, “I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests.”

So they ran some tests and the doctor said, “Come back in three days for your test results.”

So the man was frantic those three days as the spots got worse and he came back and the doctor looked at him gravely and said, “I have some bad news for you. You have a disease called Vangaurdian HP. It is very uncommon in Mexico and we know very little about it. I’m sorry senor, but we will need to amputate your penis.”

The man was utterly horrified. He ran out of the doctor’s office and got on the very next plane to Albany.

He went right to Clifton Park and saw Dr. Brandon Porter, thinking he might know more about it.

He was right.

Dr. Porter said, “Oh yes, Vanguardian HP, very aware of it, yes”.

The man said, “My Mexican doctor wants to amputate my penis.”

“Unethical Mexican doctor,” Dr. Porter said. “He wants to make more money that way. There is no need amputate.”

“Oh, thank God” said the Mexican man.

“Yes, just wait two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”


A certain member of the High Council of the Society of Protectors was called by Dr. Danielle Roberts on the phone. She wanted to see him on a matter of some urgency.

He dropped everything and rushed over to see her and she told him, “I have some good news and bad news for you.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“Your wife has genital herpes.”

“Jeez! What could possibly be the good news?”

“She didn’t get it from you.”


A DOS slave returns from V-Week and is feeling very ill.  She goes to see her doctor, and after he examines her she is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.

The woman wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by her bed rings.

“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It’s a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”

“Oh my gosh,” cries the woman, “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“It’s not on my DOS diet, but will that cure me???” asked the DOS slave.

The doctor replied, “Well no, but… it’s the only food we can get under the door.”


You know I play piano at the concert level. So what’s worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.


What’s green and eats nuts? …. Gonorrhea

So, if you have the clap and you spread it around, is it called applause?



So, I went to Nicki on her birthday and recited this poem: Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I cum on you?

smiley keith
So I went to the store to buy condoms.‘Do you want a bag?’, the cashier asks

‘No’, I said, ‘she’s not that ugly.’



Alright, so maybe it wasn’t so funny. Venereal disease spread by a selfish pig who refused to consider the health of his followers is not amusing in the slightest.

But one thing could be, depending on your perspective, mildly amusing.

Vanguard is in the Brooklyn Metropolitan Detention Center, awaiting his prison sentence. He is just where he tried to put so many people. And he will be in prison for years to come.

Like venereal disease, Karma is actually not that funny sometimes.


About the author

Frank Parlato


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About the Author

Frank Parlato is an investigative journalist.

His work has been cited in hundreds of news outlets, like The New York Times, The Daily Mail, VICE News, CBS News, Fox News, New York Post, New York Daily News, Oxygen, Rolling Stone, People Magazine, The Sun, The Times of London, CBS Inside Edition, among many others in all five continents.

His work to expose and take down NXIVM is featured in books like “Captive” by Catherine Oxenberg, “Scarred” by Sarah Edmonson, “The Program” by Toni Natalie, and “NXIVM. La Secta Que Sedujo al Poder en México” by Juan Alberto Vasquez.

Parlato has been prominently featured on HBO’s docuseries “The Vow” and was the lead investigator and coordinating producer for Investigation Discovery’s “The Lost Women of NXIVM.” Parlato was also credited in the Starz docuseries "Seduced" for saving 'slave' women from being branded and escaping the sex-slave cult known as DOS.

Additionally, Parlato’s coverage of the group OneTaste, starting in 2018, helped spark an FBI investigation, which led to indictments of two of its leaders in 2023.

Parlato appeared on the Nancy Grace Show, Beyond the Headlines with Gretchen Carlson, Dr. Oz, American Greed, Dateline NBC, and NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt, where Parlato conducted the first-ever interview with Keith Raniere after his arrest. This was ironic, as many credit Parlato as one of the primary architects of his arrest and the cratering of the cult he founded.

Parlato is a consulting producer and appears in TNT's The Heiress and the Sex Cult, which premiered on May 22, 2022. Most recently, he consulted and appeared on Tubi's "Branded and Brainwashed: Inside NXIVM," which aired January, 2023.

IMDb — Frank Parlato

Contact Frank with tips or for help.
Phone / Text: (305) 783-7083
Email: frankparlato@gmail.com