I was reviewing old notes on Keith Raniere and I came across this proposed comedy routine. I had hoped to use it if I got invited to Vanguard Week 2018 in August, but alas, it never came off because Vanguard was arrested in March.
It may not be very original or even very funny, but I was hoping I could pull it off with a good delivery, at least as good as resident Nxivm comic Nicki Clyne.
***
For years, Keith Raniere told people he was an expert in computers when he was four-years-old and used to fix people’s laptops at their homes.
When Frank Report pointed out that when Mr. Raniere was four years old – it was 1964 – there were no home computers, Vanguard had a very good explanation for this discrepancy:
He loves to lie.
***
In litigation news, a US District Court Judge quizzed Keith Raniere this week. And gave him a perfect score on the lying section.
He’s a dirty liar.
***
More questions about Keith Raniere’s truthfulness:
In an interview with the Times Union, Vanguard claimed he tied for the New York State record for the 100-yard dash and that he had an IQ “of over 350.”
When it was pointed out that these were not especially good lies, Mr. Raniere responded: “I know I have a problem.” Then he added, “I invented teleconferencing in 1996.”
***
Clare Bronfman told IRS investigators that the $65 million she gave Keith Raniere was a “loan” to invest in commodities and even though “he lost every dime of it”, she made no effort to get back the money.
When questioned, Keith Raniere at first said he had no recollection of the loan.
Then he added he never even met Clare Bronfman.
***
Despite ongoing pressure, Toni Natalie and Barbara Bouchey are still refusing to testify to federal investigators about Keith Raniere’s money laundering schemes involving Mexican illegals.
Some are claiming that Vanguard secretly promised the two women he would not sue them ever again in return for their silence.
Well, in a candid interview this week, Vanguard admitted that he might consider not suing them again, but only after he made “every effort to have them killed in a Mexican prison.”
***
This weekend, veteran reporter James Odato apologized to Keith Raniere for his stories where he called Vanguard a boring and uncreative liar.
Admitted Odato, “There was certainly nothing boring or uncreative about the way you swindled the Bronfmans out of almost $200 million, branded women with your initials, and told a series of women you were going to make babies with them because you loved them forever, then wound up suing them or trying to get them raped in a Mexican prison.”
***
This week in State Supreme Court, in arguments before Judge Holly Trexler, lawyers for Keith Raniere asked that the sexual harassment suit brought by several married women in his cult be delayed until after he left for the Fiji Islands.
According to Mr. Raniere’s attorney, “If Vanguard was hauled into court every time some nut accused him of sexual harassment, he’d have no time to have sex with the rest of the wives of the Society of Protectors.”
***
In a radio interview this week, Keith Raniere scoffed at conspiracy nuts, as he called them, who are obsessed with lambasting his men’s group “the Society of Protectors” for allowing their wives to be branded on their pubic area with his initials.
Mr. Raniere compared his critics to nut groups fascinated by UFOs and the Hail Bob Comet. Although he did concede one point of similarity between the members of Heaven’s Gate and the Society of Protectors: They both have 39 members who were castrated.
***
As new questions arise about Allison Mack’s role in DOS, the secretive women’s slave-master group that includes hot-iron branding and blackmail, Vanguard appears to be distancing himself from Miss Mack.
Earlier today Vanguard insisted “Hey I sleep with hundreds of girls. I can’t vouch for all of them.”
Well, that was the routine I was looking forward to delivering at Vanguard Week 2018 – and I readily admit Vanguard humor isn’t what it used to be, especially with him locked in a cell in Brooklyn, in dread of getting COVID-19, and soon to be sentenced to spend the rest of his life in federal prison.
Which reminds me of a good Vanguard joke:
Vanguard contracted COVID-19 in prison and had been slipping in and out of a coma for several days.
One day, he motioned in his hospital bed for his faithful slave, Clare Bronfman, to come near. Despite her being on home arrest, arrangements were made for her to go to his bedside.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When your father turned against us and tried to shut us down, you were there to support me. When I lost $65 million of your money in commodities, you were ready to invest more. When those two women committed suicide and there were ugly rumors, you never wavered. When the bad press came and Nxivm recruitment failed, you were there. When I got caught branding and blackmailing women, you wrote a public letter in support of me. When I fled to Mexico to avoid arrest, you were by my side. When I was arrested, you stayed right here loyal to me and funded all the attorneys. When my health started failing in prison, you were still on my side…. You know what?”
“What Vanguard?” Clare asked gently.
“I think you’re bad luck. Get the fuck away from me.”
Frank Parlato 
Janine Morrison 
J.J. O'Hara 
Richard Luthmann 
Marie White 
Paul Serran
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I wonder if a good branding would cure Raniere’s virus.
Thanks for the funnies, Frank! Happy Easter, Passover and God Bless us almost everyone.
Ah. Just what I have been waiting for, some good old-fashioned light heartedness like in the pre-killer virus days. I was a tiny bit disappointed, as I had hoped you had recorded your comedy routine for us to watch. These days we cannot leave the house and performers are streaming things for our enjoyment. Perhaps you could use a hairbrush for a microphone and add some canned laughter. However, I do appreciate your effort here. I had a few giggles.
Don’t give up the day job.
That was great. But I’m a sucker for SOP jokes.
SOP really means Screw Our Partners
Very nice. Sissified Oppressed Pansies
I met a few of them once. A wholly and completely unimpressive group I must say. It goes without saying, but those guys aren’t going to protect anything.
A little levity goes a long way. I like the photos you chose and the visual laugh track. And “I think you’re bad luck. Get the fuck away from me” made me laugh. Stay well, Frank.
Great piece. The audience shots made it .
Maybe Frank and Nicki Clyne can get together and do a comedy routine like George Burns and Gracie Allen.
Yes! A big hyperlink subject catalogue with author and date.
Hey Frank: Why don’t you use your time in quarantine to organize and publish a complete list of Frank Report posts by date and subject? There are a number of your articles I would like to access but don’t have the time to find them by going through three years of titles.
Start with the full transcripts of the testimonies in one place please!!!
It’s not a good idea to drink alcohol while in quarantine Frank.