By George Frobisher
I finally hit rock bottom.
Yesterday, Frank assigned me to do a story about how Nancy was shagging her dentist – as if anyone cared. Today, he assigned me to do “the eyebrows of Nxivm”. That’s right. To report on the shape of the eyebrows of Nxivm women and, in particular, Lauren Salzman.
Frank said, “Keith Raniere ordered his slaves not to groom, trim or shave their pubic hair. He also did not let them cut their hair without his permission. So what did he require of his ladies’ eyebrows?”
I really don’t care. And nobody else will either.
This eyebrow nonsense started because of a comment by Brigid and while I appreciate her efforts – that’s where this topic should have stayed – as a simple comment, not a whole post.
Here is Brigid’s comment.
Was there a local aesthetician who was doing all their eyebrows? Like Lauren Salzman, is she trying to capture the ‘femmes of MS13 gangland’ look with the drawn-on with a Sharpie bizarrely-placed permanently-surprised look? What did she see when she looked in the mirror at those U shaped eyebrows?
Lauren looks utterly insane in every photo because of her eyebrows.
But then I noticed that she isn’t the only one with that same shape and odd position of the hook brow.
Thyroid problems will make the brow thin on the outer part, and I suppose anorexia will make them simply fall out. Lauren’s appear purposefully misshapen. To me they are so striking I can look at little else in these photos. Where were these women’s minds that they failed to see themselves in the mirror?
While Keith complained when Lauren posed for a naked snatch shot because it seemed she had trimmed her bush but he does not seem to have any problem with her trimming, shaping and plucking her eyebrows.
What about those pheromones?
Which reminds me of a joke Keith Raniere used to tell his first-line slaves.
“They’re called eyebrows because you’re ‘eyes’ are ‘brow’sing my fine cock.
I’m getting tired looking at pictures of these dunces and commenting on their eyebrows.
The eight first line slaves who were going to give Keith a group blow job and eyebrow massage.
Sara Bronfman-Igtet is not on the chart above – the chart of Keith Raniere’s inner circle – as prepared by the government in the trial of Keith Raniere.
No one knows why she was not pictured with the inner circle. She was certainly one of the top leaders of Nxivm.
I’m running out of things to say about eyebrows.
Nancy Salzman, 63, decided, now that Vanguard is likely to be in prison for the rest of his life, it was time to get another man to lead and rule her.She put an ad in the paper that read: VANGUARD WANTED: MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (60’s), MUST NOT BEAT ME, RUN AROUND ON ME, AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED! ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. Nancy said, ‘You’re not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you…you have no legs!
The man smiled, ‘Therefore, I cannot run around on you!’
She snorted. ‘You don’t have any arms either!’
Again, the man smiled, ‘Therefore, I can never beat you!’
Nancy raised an eyebrow and asked intently, ‘Are you still good in bed???’
The man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, ‘I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
OK. This is it. The last set of eyebrows.
Then suddenly a really ugly guy named Keith Raniere walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a striking brunette on each arm.
The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don’t get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can’t even get a phone number?’
‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows… .’
Frank Parlato 
Janine Morrison 
J.J. O'Hara 
Richard Luthmann 
Marie White 
Paul Serran
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Thanks for this investigative journalism. I was only aware of Lauren’s over-plucked brows, but this article shows it’s clearly a wider problem.
I don’t understand how so many attractive women DON’T wear makeup, which is ok, but they DO mangle their brow line. So it must not be for esthetic reasons? Is it rooted in something pathological like masochism or trichotillomania?
PS I love all the eyebrow jokes in the article and comments. Absolutely cracked up at the botox one!
Whew, the hieroglyphics of eyebrows! Seems these crazy cat women are rocking the ‘chola’ brow’ look, wherein teenage gang bangers shave off their real brows and pencil them back on, not to emulate the soft youthful brows of Lauren Bacall or Brooke Shields, but to resemble drag queen Divine in the John Waters film Pink Flamingos.
They appear hard, mean, squalid and cheap, like so many Weimar era Berlin street prostitutes with their stockings rolled around their ankles. True dedication to that thuglife would be to tattoo them on permanently, but that requires commitment to keeping them forever shaved or they could find themselves with two sets of eyebrows.
If ever sentenced to prison, keeping them shaved might be difficult to maintain. This is just another example of how out of touch and distorted the fun-house mirror world of nxivm became, cloistered in cheesey new construction generic houses with cardboard drywall, beige wall-to-wall carpets, spending the prime years of their lives in sleeveless shapeless puffer vests, frumpy dumpy sexless tshirts, mom jeans, and hideous chunky running shoes.
Nxivm members sported uniform-like pseudo-preppy attire, lived in decidedly dated mundane nondescript environments essentially communally to squelch privacy, individuation, or personal artistic development.
Vanguard led not a Maoist Cultural Revolution of black pajama clad soldiers, but a reactionary cadre of irritable mini-van driving suburban soccer-moms, sans the kids. The aesthetic crimes this group committed against humanity have yet to addressed! I want justice!
Did they honestly believe early 90s plucked pencil thin brows were still fashionable? Or was it the mandated anorexia and forced insomnia that disrupted their endocrine systems and caused their brows to fall out, along with their hair in some cases?
Or was it that because Keith controlled literally every hair on their vacuous drafty heads, as well as their STD-ridden nether regions, their eyebrows became their only outlet for self-expression and self-governance?
Is it possible that the ‘chola’ look really did appeal to them, imagining themselves to be ‘badass’ women?
Or is it possible Keith actually did direct them to over-pluck their eyebrows into bizarre unnatural drag queen-esque shapes, so he could laugh behind their backs at how ridiculous they looked?
They didn’t engage in interesting or even normal activities like pursuing real education or traveling for pleasure, nor did they have social lives not focused on recruitment for the pyramid scheme or for fresh meat for Keith to screw–so where in the hell is all the money!?!
Are we to believe that with Bronfman bucks, selling their preposterously priced intensives, Rainbow Gardens college-priced tuition, cash money pouring in from abroad, and with piles of cash signed over to Raniere by women needlessly dead from untreated cancer, these dumb hookers couldn’t afford a day in the city to periodically get themselves properly groomed?
They never wanted to buy glamorous feminine chic clothing, and once in a while not appear as though they were interrupted while cleaning out the garage?
They felt no desire or natural impulse to fix themselves up so they presented not as frazzled sorority sisters at a bake sale but as sexy well-put-together professional adult women? You know, well-heeled, like Tanya Hajjar and Moira Kim Penza.
The line-up collection of photos tells a story in the distorted deformed warped faces, marred and punctuated by twisted magic marker eyebrows, no make-up or lipstick, just haggard worn exhausted faces. Keith pulverized the sparkle in their eyes, he stole their vitality and vibrancy, reducing any youth or sexiness to unhealthy hollow-eyed washed out bed wenches.
One after another after another, gray dishrags hung out to dry, the drab women of #cultlife.
LOL, you’re in rare form, Brigid! Wish to read more of your musings on here. Yes, the painted brow look is Chola (slang for middle-aged, Hispanic female), tranee and harkens back to the divine days of John Waters “Hairspray.” All the rage LAST DECADE in LA — among the natural born female sex, anyway.
The tranees still wear it but they don’t have much choice but to slash and burn and start from scratch in the depilatory dept.
I’m always rather fascinated by the dubious or bad choices people sometimes make to permanently modify their bodies, whether tattoos or piercings (not to mention branding!), or cosmetic procedures.
Lauren Salzman always has that strange, dated eyebrow styling, so I’m guessing that she must have overcompensated for naturally bush brows by having had some sort of permanent hair removal like electrolysis, unless she’s a really compulsive tweezer who’s kept up with it even if the face of her recent trials.
It looks to me like what she needs to do now is go the other way and get a bit of that whiplash curve made to look less strange and more natural by having some color tattooed in, a procedure more typically used when people don’t have enough eyebrow hair naturally – or, of course, to create curious trendy looks like extended pointy ends.
There is nothing even mildly amusing about eyebrow shaming these women
I haven’t stopped laughing.
Eyebrow shaming. Too funny.
MR. Frobisher
This is to advise you that you have committed the offense of libel by stating that Toni Natalie has had cosmetic surgery and Botox either issue a retraction within the next 24 hours or provide me with your address so I might have you served.
You will be sued civilly and if it is proven that you did so with malice you may be criminally charged.
That’s a good one. The DA/DOJ is going after an anonymous person for poking fun of Natalie. LOL
I have had a long-standing personal rule to never trust anyone who completely removes their eyebrows and then pencils them back in. So far, it has proven to be a worthy rule. Also, George Frobisher – is this moniker derived from Rumpole of the Bailey?
Rumpole of the Bailey….Great Show….BBC
At least none of the NXIVM women sport unibrows.
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Haha. I would worry about saying you’ve hit rock bottom, but I’m sure there will be even worse subject thrown your way!
I do think the very thin, pencil look is very dated but, I guess, once you over pluck it’s hard to grow them out. Perhaps that is why Lauren was very scared of not knowing the duration of being locked away in the cage, she wouldn’t have access to her tweezers and might risk having to grow out those brows.
Monica Duran or Loretta Garza has the best eyebrows in the group. The penciled in look is odd looking. It makes a woman’s forehead look an inch too big.
When I see the penciled in eyebrows I am always thinking is this woman suffering from alopecia.
What about the clothes that magically appeared on Keith’s booby body? Seems like most folks here tend to fault how the women in Keith’s world look versus the men. What say thee?
Yes, what about an article on Keith’s bra size. Maybe now Mr Frobisher will indeed retract the statement of him hitting rock bottom.
🙂 Keith is built like a jailhouse bitch.
Nah. To be at rock bottom, you have to be one of those people who are still in NXIVM.
Notice how Sara Bronfman is the opposite of a bird. Birds look somewhat dreadful head-on, but all birds look mostly fabulous in profile. One would think that Sara would be frightening to small children, head-on but especially in profile. It might help if you were drunk before seeing her, as was evidenced by the gentlemanly facial expressions of Richard Branson, while with her on Necker Island.
George Frobisher, you are doing important work on the eyebrows. The Lost Eyebrows of Nxivm. It is so profoundly influential that you don’t need to resort to focusing on blowjobs anymore. The real emergency you have left politely unmentioned or unmentionable is that Nicki Clyne really needs her bangs.
When someone has a forehead as wide and flat as the Sahara Desert, big bangs are worth their bucks. Even agnostics can appreciate big bangs.
In fact we ought to be concerned with everyone’s hair in the lineup. And here you thought the eyebrows were catastrophic. Let’s cut to the chase.
Many people are wondering if Ivy Nevares has really gone bald now. Eyebrows can be useful blowjob counters. We can see clearly now that these slaves lost their eyebrows from too much beating about the bush. But you saw both Nancy’s and Lauren’s hair in Starbucks photos.
It might be wise to leave the more frightening-looking members of this group to more technical eyes. Where is an investigative cosmetologist when you need one ? You still might consider doing a book about Mariana Fernandez and her hair and include diagnostic illustrations, by using Sally Field when she played Sybil.
Sybil’s personalities might not have had any avatar babies, but there are ways around that. Anything about Clare Bronfman would do. In case you haven’t noticed, Frank Parlato seems to want to give Clare increasing coverage, not less. The media is the message, or did McLuhan say “massage,” that rascal. If the Canadian visionary, McCluhan, was thinking of messages or massages, forget about inserting Clare.
Maybe you were right about staying with the eyebrows and the blowjobs after all. Sex sells, and a dirty joke or two helps in a crunch. Some of these Nxivm people got a huge laugh out of dropping a corpse at least once. Raniere and his gallows humor really let it r.i.p. This stuff is so bad it writes Ittself. So here is where the writer could insert not only Clare Bronfman, but even Hillary Clinton. Hillary is now a chancellor at Queen’s University, Belfast, where she has been spotted riding her broom through nearby Devil’s Marbleyard. She want to run for president again and has the full support hose of the devil with the blue dress on, Bill Clinton.
Clare Bronfman might not like blowjobs, but she donated so much money to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign. Why would that be, and what is to stop it from recurring?
Mr. Frobisher, in your opinion, is Clare Bronfman a bi-sexual? Do you think that Clare Bronfman has a thing for Hillary Clinton? Can a convicted felon serve as First Lady? So many questions. Is Arkancide more or less meaningful than eyebrows, today and in the shape of things to come, 2020-style? Thank you for your time and at the very least, for not drawing too many conclusions about eyebrows, when there is so much more to hair than only that, and now I’ve really gotta blow.