Proposed Standup Comedy for Vanguard for Next V-Week

I originally published this on September 1, 2017 – as Vanguard Week 2017 was drawing to a close.  I entitled it Proposed Standup for V for V-Week 2018. It was part of my ongoing process of ridiculing the rodent.

Happily, there was no Vanguard Week in 2018, for the odious one was arrested in March 2018.

At the time I wrote this, I was the only one writing about Vanguard. The New York Times story was more than a month and a half from publication. I was chipping away at Keith Raniere’s credibility, continuing an onslaught of his character.

During August and September of 2017, numerous DOS women contacted me and told me they read my material and quit DOS.  I found that ridicule of Raniere emboldened them. They saw that when I could safely mock him – openly and notoriously mock him – they felt they could at least quietly escape.

Here was/is my proposed Vanguard comedy routine – which Vanguard never got to use [if he would have used it] for Vanguard Week 2018.


Venereal disease is no laughing matter.  Yet sometimes a good laugh – at the idiocy of what is transpiring in the world of Vanguard –  might help deprogram some folks wavering on the fence. [And there are several I am told.]

Vanguard uses a myriad of techniques to get people inducted.

So I told the slave, the joke’s on you. You can’t catch herpes twice.

A teen girl walks into a medical clinic and tells the doctor she has “Vanguard Fever”Doctor: Nope it is Herpes!

a 6

There was a Mexican man who came to V-Week and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time he was there.Then he returned to Monterrey and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis.The man freaked out. He went to the doctor.

The doctor said, “I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests.”

So they ran some tests and he said, “Come back in three days for your test results.”

The man came back in three days and the doctor said, “I have some bad news. You have a disease called Vangaurdian HP. It is very uncommon here and we know little about it. I’m sorry sir but we will need to amputate your penis.”

The man was horrified. He went to Clifton Park and saw Dr. Brandon Porter thinking he would know more about it.

Dr. Porter said, “Oh, yes, Vanguardian HP, very aware. yes”.

The man said, “My Mexican doctor wants to amputate my penis.”

“Unethical Mexican doctor,” Dr. Porter said. “He wants to make more money that way. No need amputate.”

“Oh thank god,” said the man.

“Yes, wait two weeks, it will fall off by itself.”

A member of the High Council of the Society of Protectors went to see Dr. Danielle Roberts.She said, “I have good news and bad news.”“What’s the bad news?” “

Your wife has genital herpes.”

“Jeez! What could possibly be good news?”

“She didn’t get it from you.”



A DOS woman returns from V-Week and is feeling very ill. She goes to see her doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.The woman wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by her bed rings.

“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H. It’s a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!”

“Oh my gosh,” cried the DOS woman, “What are you going to do, doctor?”

“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”

“It’s not on my diet, but will that cure me???” asked the DOS slave.

The doctor replied, “Well no, but… it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

You know I play piano at the concert level. So what’s worse than lobsters on your piano? Crabs on your organ.
What’s green and eats nuts? Gonorrhea
So, if you have the clap and you spread it around, is it called applause?





smiley keith
So I went to Daniela on her birthday and recited this poem: “Roses are red
“Violets are blue
“How would you like it if I cum on you?”
So I went to the store to buy condoms.”Do you want a bag?”, the cashier asks.”No,” I said, “she’s not that ugly.”

It’s a career option…. and I’m set for life.


About the author

Frank Parlato


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  • Hilarious! This is the creative genius Frank Parlato I know — when he’s not forced into fending off Nx’s legal and personal attacks. And even when he is.

    …I’m reminded of what unbearable (for most) pressure Frank was under – under Bronfman’s perjurous attacks through a corrupt NY criminal justice system — when Frank composed these original jokes and was (for a time) the only NXIVM fighter left standing, pounding away at the keyboard to out the truth and save his and Chitra’s asses from the same fate of those who opposed these combined evil powers before him.

    Now, THAT is a tale that must be told! …And it has naked babes in it, too. Lol.

  • He did not rape children that’s a lie. The age of consent is draconian in US. And defies 100,000 years of human history. Puberty is the age of consent through history . Keith never slept with a pre pubescent girl. Slanderer.

    • “The age of consent is draconian in US.”
      “Puberty is the age of consent through history”

      By the way Pea, what is the age of consent in Canada?
      Do you know?

      Age of consent law in Canada refers to cultural and legal discussions in Canada regarding the age of consent, which was raised from 14 to 16 in May 2008 as part of the Tackling Violent Crime Act.[1] This applies to all forms of sexual activity.
      Age of consent reform in Canada

      Well above the age of puberty.

      As a comparison the age of consent in Ireland is 17.
      The age of consent in Ireland is 17

      Well above the age of puberty.

      Behave yourself, Pea, the next time you’re in Ireland or Canada.

    • If you don’t like the laws in the US you can move somewhere else – or at least obey them, while you try to change them.

      For 100,000 years of human history women were kept barefoot, pregnant, and mostly doing the cooking – if that’s the world you want, again, go someplace and have at it.

      NXians are awfully whiny for people who are supposed to believe that there are no ultimate victims.

  • A DOS slave was late for a hearing test.
    “I’m sorry” she said “but I was waiting for a delivery to arrive.It didn’t but Vanguard told me to expect Hermes.”

  • Good to be here tonight! Wow, how about that traffic. Was there an accident, or did I enroll in a five day intensive?

      • Scott,

        Were you standing in front of the mirror when you posted this comment….

        …..”How ironic. The guy who thinks he’s funny, and is very alone in that regard, posts on a story about a NXIVM standup comedy story”……?

        Now that would be a ironic……

  • What’s the difference between Keith’s herpes and his Jacuzzi?

    He lets the girls know he has a Jacuzzi.

  • I suppose you think it’s funny that you put Vanguard in jail? Is that your idea of funny ? And the harm you did to us – Does that make you smile and help you sleep at night. Ruthless being.

    • Pea:

      It’s so good to hear from you.
      How is Yolanda Cortez doing?
      How are things going with Yolanda’s sister Gabrielle?
      How is Legatus Pro Tempore faring?
      And let’s not forget the lovely and talented Nicki Clyne.
      Nor should we forget our old friend Monte Blu.
      It must get real crowded in your apartment with all those people.

      Isn’t it a coincidence that Monte Blu’s name sounds a lot like the Casino Resort Mont Bleu on the shores of Lake Tahoe where Nicki Clyne went in 2017?

      My brother travels to Reno periodically on business and he likes to side take trips to places like Lake Tahoe and the Napa Valley.
      When he mentioned the MontBleu resort at Lake Tahoe it sounded so much like Monte Blu there just had to be a connection.

      No Pea, it is never fun when someone is sent to prison.
      But some conduct is so outrageous that there are few alternatives.
      Laws against sex trafficking have been around for well over 100 years.
      In the old days it was called “White Slavery.”
      And the Racketeering law which Allison and Lauren plead guilty to has been around since 1970.
      And the laws against blackmail and extortion which both Allison and Lauren violated have been around since forever.

      You see Pea the sexual revolution does not allow someone to blackmail another person to having sex against their will.
      Pea, if you want to have sex with someone it has to be another consenting adult.
      And you have to work a bit on seducing them.
      In other words you have to be nice to them.
      Consent is not gained by threatening to release embarrassing photos or videos of someone.
      Blackmail is a very dirty business, Pea.
      Almost everyone has done something embarrassing.

      I want people including women to enjoy sex and express themselves sexually.
      But their consent should not be coerced.

      So, Pea there is nothing funny about locking anyone up but sometimes conduct is so outrageous that incarceration is the only option.
      And Keith Raniere had plenty of willing consenting adult female partners.
      The blackmail and extortion was totally unnecessary.

      Enjoy your Labor Day weekend, Pea.

      • Understand though pea brain is so fugly blackmailing someone into sex is the only way she can get any

    • it is quite funny he’s in jail. A con man adored by so many for a long time is now getting beat up monthly and dealing with lice, bed bugs and prison rape. It’s one of the funniest stories I’ve ever seen. Karma is a bitch. hahahahahahaha. How are you doing Nicki?

    • But what do you think of these jokes Pea? You can admit if you were tickled slightly by them. We won’t think any less of you.

  • I hope that Nicki Clyne, NXIVM’s stand up comedian , enjoys these jokes.

    I also hope that Nicki’s many friends, Pea Onyu, Yolanda Cortez, Gabrielle Cortez, Legatus Pro Tempore and Monte Blu also enjoy these jokes.

  • Keith says: On my first night in jail, my cellmate says, “It’s lights out, time for sex. Do you want to be the husband or the wife.” I didn’t want any sex with him, but he was too big to argue with so I said “If I gotta choose, I’ll be the husband.” My cellmate said, “Then get on your knees and suck your wife’s cock.”

About the Author

Frank Parlato is an investigative journalist.

His work has been cited in hundreds of news outlets, like The New York Times, The Daily Mail, VICE News, CBS News, Fox News, New York Post, New York Daily News, Oxygen, Rolling Stone, People Magazine, The Sun, The Times of London, CBS Inside Edition, among many others in all five continents.

His work to expose and take down NXIVM is featured in books like “Captive” by Catherine Oxenberg, “Scarred” by Sarah Edmonson, “The Program” by Toni Natalie, and “NXIVM. La Secta Que Sedujo al Poder en México” by Juan Alberto Vasquez.

Parlato has been prominently featured on HBO’s docuseries “The Vow” and was the lead investigator and coordinating producer for Investigation Discovery’s “The Lost Women of NXIVM.” In addition, he was credited in the Starz docuseries 'Seduced' for saving 'slave' women from being branded and escaping the sex-slave cult known as DOS.

Parlato appeared on the Nancy Grace Show, Beyond the Headlines with Gretchen Carlson, Dr. Oz, American Greed, Dateline NBC, and NBC Nightly News with Lester Holt, where Parlato conducted the first-ever interview with Keith Raniere after his arrest. This was ironic, as many credit Parlato as one of the primary architects of his arrest and the cratering of the cult he founded.

Parlato is a consulting producer and appears in TNT's The Heiress and the Sex Cult, which premieres on May 22, 2022.

IMDb — Frank Parlato,_Jr.

Contact Frank with tips or for help.
Phone / Text: (305) 783-7083