Keith Alan Raniere is presently residing at the Metropolitan Detention Center in Brooklyn, NY.

Dear Papi – a Father’s Day Letter From Kemar to Keith Alan Raniere

Dear Papi,

I’m sorry you couldn’t with me and Mamá today but I understand you’re a little tied up at the moment.

Actually, Mamá says you may be tied up for a long time – like maybe the rest of your life.

In any event, we both miss you a lot – and look forward to seeing you whenever you can come visit us.

*****

Mamá has been buying me lots of nice clothes and great toys to make up for you not being here with us.

She says we have Madrina Clare to thank for those things.

I’ve never met Madrina Clare but I have seen pictures of her.

Yikes – she is one scary looking mujer.

Madrina Clare

*****

Tío Jack has come by to see me and Mamá a few times.

He must work very hard at whatever he does because whenever he comes by, he and Mamá go take a siesta together.

And I guess he must be very religious too.

Because whenever they take their siestas, I can hear Mamá crying out “Dios mío” over and over again.

*****

Tío Emiliano has come by a few times too.

But he always comes late at night – and he’s always dressed all in black.

Kind of like he doesn’t want to be seen around us.

Weird, huh? Especially considering how much time he used to spend with you and your other amigos.

I used to think he was your #1 amigo but I guess I was wrong.

Mejor Amigos

*****

Tía Daniela just came back from a vacation in New York City.

She apparently got into a fight with someone because I heard her telling Mamá that “Ella pateó algunos culos” while she was there.

She said she saw you while she was there but that you were too busy writing little sticky notes to your abogado to talk to her.

She also said you were going to be going on a long vacation soon.

I hope you have fun wherever you end up.

*****

By the way, I don’t know if I should tell you this but Mamá has put on a few libras since you last saw her.

I guess that’s because she’s eating regular meals three times a day now.

And she sleeps at least 8 hours each night.

She’s actually kind of curvy now – and her tetas look bigger too.

Please don’t punish her for putting on a few libras.

I think she looks great – and so do most of the hombres who whistle at her when we go out for walks.

*****

Mamá told me that the Mexican Policía were very mean to you – and kicked you out of México.

Why did they do that, Papi?

Mexican Policia taking away Papi

Did you do something wrong?

Or were they just jealous because you were with all those chicas when they found you?

*****

I saw a picture of you on TV the other night.

The caption underneath was “Demente y Peligroso”.

I didn’t understand some of the things they were saying about you.

What exactly is a “culto”?

One reportero described you as the “love child” of Bernie Madoff and David Koresh.

What does that mean, Papi?

David Koresh

 

Bernie Madoff

*****

I asked Mamá if we were going to be going to your big birthday celebration in August.

She said “Esos días han terminado”.

That’s too bad, Papi, because I know you always had a lot of fun there.

Maybe your new friends at the Centro Metropolitano de Detención will throw you a big party.

Centro Metropolitano de Detención

*****

I know you may not be all that impressed but I can now speak fluently in five languages.

And I recently made the junior varsity fútbol team (Mamá thought I should have made the varsity team).

I also taught myself how to tie my shoes – and calculus last week.

And I made a telescope that lets me see all the way into the next galaxy.

I also finished fourth in the Maratón Nacional (I know that’s not all that good but I’m training very hard every day now and will do better in the next one).

*****

Well, Papi, I have to go now because it’s time for me to take my siesta.

I hope you had a nice Día del Padre – and I hope you write back to me.

Your loving avatar son,

Kemar

About the author

K.R. Claviger

6 Comments

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  • Very funny K.R. Claviger.

    I’m sure when papi gets his paper copy he will get a laugh or to also. He cannot possibly give a shit about his offspring.

    Makes one wonder after all the evidence that has come out, what Mam’a really thinks of papi now?

    Odds are he would of dumped mam’a for a much younger version if he wasn’t stopped by the DOJ.

  • Hands down the best article ever…
    I hope Keith gets a chuckle too.

    Still catching my breath from laughing so much!

  • “I know you may not be all that impressed but I can now speak fluently in five languages.

    And I recently made the junior varsity fútbol team (Mamá thought I should have made the varsity team).

    I also taught myself how to tie my shoes – and calculus last week.

    And I made a telescope that lets me see all the way into the next galaxy.

    I also finished fourth in the Maratón Nacional (I know that’s not all that good but I’m training very hard every day now and will do better in the next one).”

    This is hilarious! :). Well done!

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