I spent some time with Keith Raniere and the inner circle. Many called him ‘Vanguard’, but to me he was mostly just ‘Keith.’ He became someone I saw as a friend, mentor, a wise man, and someone who had my best interests at heart. He earned this reputation with me mostly because of how other people spoke about him and edified him.
I never actually wanted to spend time with him and I was afraid of him. But I was taught that my resistance was just my pride trying to stop me from growing, so I ignored my instincts, and reluctantly allowed him to break me down. Saying ‘thank you’ with every blow.
He had me do things that I’d rather not mention here. Degrading things. I thought it was all to help me with this pride he said I struggled with and could be free of, if I just did what he said.
I thought he was doing me a favor, and he did tell me it was a great burden on him to help me grow. So I expressed my gratitude and tried to do better.
People saw me spending time with him and seemed jealous. I saw the looks the other women gave me. I didn’t want to ‘check in’ with him, but I felt I had to, or I’d be seen as weak. So I ‘checked in’ with him, and he continued to belittle me. Looking back at those messages, I can see they were not kind. He was not being caring at all. He was insulting me and trying to make me feel bad about myself, trying to ‘humble’ me, humiliate me, control me.
By breaking me down and working with everyone else around me to do the same, he successfully got control of the following things:
My employment. It became more and more about serving his ‘mission’ and giving up all the things I cared about. I pretended to care about the mission, because I thought I had no choice. I did all the ‘right’ things. I gave up the things I loved.
I did eventually come to my senses and got the hell out of there. But this breaking down and controlling, left me broken in so many ways:
I now struggle with a lack of self-worth. I habitually doubt myself. My body is damaged and broken in ways that make it hard to function normally and I cannot afford proper health care. I lost most of my business contacts and many of my friends. I look over my shoulder, and don’t trust most people around me as I know he has sent people to spy on those who leave.
I am angry. Furious at what he took from me, and in despair that I can’t help those that are still in — to see what he’s doing to them.
To anyone who’s still in: Read up about cult mind control. Please, at least give yourself the chance to get the data. How could any ‘data’ be evil? You need to get the accurate data to make a good decision! Please read Rick Ross’ book then make up your own mind.
Frank Parlato 
Janine Morrison 
J.J. O'Hara 
Richard Luthmann 
Marie White 
Paul Serran
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1. I hope Keith and Allison get much more than 15 years in prison. 2. I hope that the physical scars of women of DOS can be surgically removed – and Allison and Keith can pay for it. 3. If Allison can give $5 million in bail, she can certainly to for emotional damage (although there is no amount of money that could rectify this abuse 4. I am glad that many of you were brave enough to escape this cult. 5. I am so sorry that this happened to each one of you. 6. Be kind and patient to yourselves.
This Keith guy claims he was recognized as having the highest IQ IN 1989, but if you do a google check, the record belongs to a woman, Marilyn von Savant (from 1986 – 1989).
I took a 16 day intensive in 2000 continued with Ethos in NYC and attended a few Vanguard Birthday weeks when I realized Keith was a fraud. Having studied Philosophy pretty extensively I realized there was no logic to many of his arguments or ethics. I directly challenged him and he literally excused himself to the public men’s room never to return. He did send is emissary Edgar Boone to intimidate me to no avail. It was that same week when I first heard Keith play the Moonlight Sonata (a simple piece played by most beginner students) with an expertise of a child with little talent having taken some piano lessons. Keith’s official bio clearly states he plays piano at the level of a concert pianist. My ear was experienced at recognizing musical talent since I have a talented child who studied at music conservatory for 10 years. Multiple inconsistencies added up to the conclusion that Keith is a fraudster and I voted with my feet never to return,
After learning of his arrest on sex trafficking and forced labor charges, I started searching the internet and learned of the abuse and pain he has caused many people I once knew. I am angry and saddened for the suffering he has caused so many.
I have great regret that I did not stand up that day long ago at Silver Bay to expose Keith and his inconsistencies. The reaction probably would have been to ban me from the room as I had seen others banned or humiliated in public.
Keith has the greatest disintegrations of us all. The pot calling the kettle black. The embodiment of pure evil. The ultimate suppressor
The weaker and more wealthy your were coming in, the more you became a target!
I hope all who have left can heal their mind and body. Believe and you can overcome these wounds.
We need to get together Keith’s survivor women and find a good attorney – at some point all the things given up because of his/ Bronfmans’/others’ pressure to do so [ jobs, when and with whom to have sex, mental and physical health, families, personal welfare] stop being a matter of choice or consensual and are forced due to mental and even physical incapacity to be competent to refuse. If the lawsuit is a class action type – and identities protected from the press and from Keith and only available to the court/Judge – perhaps there can be some financial restitution for pain and ongoing suffering once out of DOS/NXIVM – I wonder if a case can be made?
I can’t believe there aren’t a million good attorneys wanting to jump all over that with the Bronsfon $$$$$$$$ hanging around.
I would never suggest anything illegal, but given Keith’s history, I am pretty surprised that none of the male relatives of any of his victims have seen to it that Keith suffers an “accident”. The man seems to have made some enemies and lives in a country where law enforcement is not exactly consistent. Were my sister one of Keith’s victims, I would make it my mission in life to extract a pound of flesh (At least).
I think in many ways a cult leader such as Raniere is similar to an abusive spouse. I’m just now in the process of leaving an abusive marriage, and I can look back and see the good things my ex-husband did, and realize those are the things I admired about him, but also recognize that those good points don’t cancel out the abuse, lies or cheating. The good things were a way to attract me and keep me attached to him, but were mostly fake. It’s still difficult to reconcile the two sides of him in my mind.
In true narcissistic fashion, my ex quickly moved in on a new woman (victim) as he needs to have the constant adoration and attention to feed his ego. This is really what these cult leaders are doing – using us to feed their needs for adoration and attention, and their delusions of grandeur.
Please don’t feel badly about this if you can help it. The man is exceptionally insidious. I met him multiple times (as an outsider), and it’s hard not to admire and trust him at first. The rest floats below the surface. I am appalled at what I’ve been reading here and elsewhere. I am so very glad you are out! And I’m very grateful for this website. It takes courage to post on and expose this kind of person.
Thank you for your bravery in sharing this. I know it’s not easy.
My heart breaks for you. I know all too well the trauma you’ve suffered from an abusive, dark relationship. Though my abuse was not at the hands of Keith, I’m all too familiar with your experience and your pain.
It gets better. I promise. But you shouldn’t have to fight this alone. There are excellent mental health providers that can help you through this, (get yourself on Medicaid or Medicare). It’ll be painful and will require extremely hard work on your behalf, but it gets better and it’s worth it. I promise.
I know how intense the feelings of self doubt, depression, loneliness and hopelessness can be. It’s hard to get out of bed and face the day. Hard to do simple things and things you loved not long ago. Hang in there and take baby steps. Start off doing one thing a day that makes you feel happy and more like the ‘old you ‘. Even if it’s just savouring a cup of tea. Be mindful, be in the moment. When you’re ready, add another small thing that lifts your spirits. Doesn’t matter how small or insignificant. What matters is you try. Even if you just can’t that day, it’s ok. Try again tomorrow.
Be kind to yourself. Have compassion for your situation. Some days it’ll feel better to stay in bed. It’s what we must do to cope. It’s ok. Even if family or friends tell you ‘chin up. You’ll get over it.’. People who haven’t survived abuse or had to battle the dark depression monster don’t get it. Try as they might, and as good as their intentions are, you know what self care is best for you. So damnit, stay in bed with tea and a good novel or watching the telly. Tomorrow is a new day to try again. But please, do try. Fighting the darkness to find the light is worth it. From the bottom of my heart, I promise.
I wish I had a way of getting ahold of you. There’s an army of us out here ready and willing to accept Expians with open arms. You included.
Stay strong. Hang in there. Love yourself even if you have to fake it till you make it. Take baby steps, find help/support, practice self care and don’t set harsh expectations for yourself during your healing. Treat yourself as though it’s a young you asking for help. With understanding, kindness, compassion and love.
Your battle will be a hard one. It’ll be painful and you’ll want to run and hide under the covers quite often. But again, it gets better and it’s worth it. The pain of the trauma doesn’t necessarily go away, but it does lose some of its grip on you as time goes on.
I don’t know you, but I have faith in you. You will be in my prayers.
You are strong.
You are a warrior.
You are resilient.
You are important.
You matter.
You can do this.
YOU ARE WORTH IT.
Your remarks are encouraging for this person, maybe Allison trying to get out of the trap in which she fell
[…] To the Woman who spent time with Keith, […]
To the Woman who spent time with Keith,
There isn’t a self-help group for ex-cult members. Even if there was it’s most likely we’d have a hard time trusting one another and or getting a long as a big group. It’s sad but this blog has shown some of the unheralded wounds between ex-members who have not healed their wounds with each other.
PTDS runs rampant in ex-members due to the subtle abuse that takes place during your tenure of your time in NXIVM. It doesn’t matter who you spent the most time with , Keith, Nancy, Lauren , Allison or any other high-ranking member the abuse is all about the same. The one thing different with Keith is with some women his manipulation with sex which make time with him more emotional abusive. If this happened to you, my heart goes out to you.
Slowly they all attempt to strip you of your control over your life choices and it like a dripper hose that sinks deep into the roots of your self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-defense. Before you know it your mind has been reshaped into not being able to really think for yourself as their is a brain fog between your authentic self in their mind control.
Upon leaving, half the battle is done. If you were in long enough, your giving up a great deal to walk away and start a new life. That takes a certain awareness, courage and inner strength that not everyone can get to , so they stay stuck in there’s nothing you can do to help them get out except hold the space for them when they need to phone a friend or ask for a lifeline .
Of course you would question yourself , you realize what you’ve gotten yourself into and what you put up with for the amount of time that you are in . So many questions to examine ; how could I not see what I see now , how could if I spent so much money , how glad I got into so much debt , how could I been so angry at my family and friends when they were just concerned and if your anything like many of us how the shell did this happen to me?
We’re not taught about mind control and it’s still a socially unacceptable thing to talk about . Look at how many people on this blog it called stupid for getting involved.
Most Con men are not held accountable who are backed by billionaires are even less likely to be held accountable. The Government does not have endless funds when it comes to prosecuting cases . So when you have someone like the Bronfman sisters paying for legal defense, a lot of government agencies will look the other way when criminal acts happen, if they’re not already compromised .
The important thing is to get back to your authentic self. To do that , you have to re-engage in those things that are important to you before your mind started to be bent out of shape into find the things that fill your soul. Rebuilding yourself in your business it’s just a matter of time if you’re willing to put in the work . It’s about reaching out to professionals and others who have left that you can trust to be there for you.
Those who are still in that you want to save , I think my father used to say to me all the time is you can’t push a rope. I waited years for some people I cared deeply to leave after I did. Some are still involved. All I can do for them is Let go and let God and work to expose the truth. Not to them, they do not want to listen.
Peace be with you and if you want to talk, Frank has a pretty good idea of who I am & how to get a hold of me. He can call me to verify & give you my phone #.
Unfortunately, time does don’t heal all wounds for some people. Some people will go to the grave suffering with a persistent sadness that cannot be healed. I know. A wrong committed against someone can never be healed or rectified by doing good for or helping others. Only the one wronged can give that.
[…] Outsider comments on the story Woman Who Spent Time With Keith […]
Your story makes me want to cry and my friends will tell you I am calm and cool under pressure and a bit of an ice princess. I don’t cry easily. You are a victim of an abusive relationship. Even crazier because you shared Keith with others who were the flying monkeys that swooped in to keep you in line.
You may not be able to afford healthcare but if your income is low enough you may be eligible for Medicaid. I encourage you to get a complete physical and contact your local mental health office. Many services are available free or on a sliding scale. Years ago, I was battling alcohol addiction and was in a similar situation with similar feelings as you and found low cost services with Saratoga Mental Health. Wherever you are Help is there if you ask for it. If you are at or near NYC or the 5 Boroughs check out http://nownyc.org/service-fund/get-help/mental-health-counseling/. I would expect other communities to have similar resources available.
You are going through the stages of grief right now. How long it will take for you get to the stage of acceptance I cannot tell you but you will get there. Those feelings of low self worth will slip away. You will be happy again. Your relationship with yourself and others will improve. Try not to isolate. Getting out in nature and exercise, a good nights sleep and routine helped me get my life back and I had hit a pretty low bottom ( i was pretty much unemployable, I filed bankruptcy and had no credit and had lost most of my friends since they did not party like I did. I also couldn’t form complete sentences or read one as my mind was so addled) In early sobriety I still had no concentration and I was depressed. I felt like I would never be able to participate in civilian life. So, if you have sat their staring at the ceiling for hours or reading the same page of a book over I can relate. It gets better with time I promise. I allowed myself a small amount of self pity and then said, I got myself into this mess and only I can get myself out of it. Think of Creepy Keith as your bottle of Molson Golden Ale. He was your thing, like booze was mine.
There are some people who contribute to this blog who were never part of NXIVM, we are outsiders who have become acquainted with each other because we share a common goal which is to see the end of NXIVM. We have also become acquainted with several expians who are suffering much like yourself. One happily started exit counseling recently. We support her as we would support you.
NAMASTE and I wish you Peace – Sharing your story here is the first step to regaining what was taken from you.
Thank you for sharing. Your story is not unique. Sharing it is already helping those who have left, and those who are dreaming of the day that they muster the courage to get the hell out of there.