Reader: Super Sexy Cult Leader

A reader commented on another post. He or she did not give their name. Frank Report, therefore, will assign the writer the pen name of:

Charles Raniere 

Let me tell you about myself and my accomplishments:

By the age of 1/2 a year old I had developed interstellar travel.

When I turned 1 year old I cured cancer. Pfizer bought my technology and then shelved it for the future.

At 2 years old I developed a cryogenic process to bring people back from the dead.

By the age of 3 my penis grew to 12 inches long. I patented special underwear along with 1,000,000,000,000,000 other patents in many different fields. Over 1 Trillion patents. I became the world’s first Trillionaire.

I flew my first space mission by the age of 12 years old alone to Mars. NASA begged me to do another but I said no.

At the age of 20 years old I solved the middle east peace crisis but the deal was ratified by both sides and it fell apart.

At the age of 30 I gave humanity distinctive proof that God existed in the form of a full-proof mathematical formula. I was written up in God magazine. To quote Jesus, “that cunt is a serious genius”.

I first met Keith Raniere at the age of 35. We had a spectacular math competition which I won 1000 – 0. Keith asked for a rematch and I beat him 10,000 – 0.

I met Keith again at the age of 40 years old at a urinal when I took my penis out to pee and he saw it was 12 inches long. And he looked down at his penis and started weeping. I invented the saying “it’s ok. Size isn’t everything”.

While all of this sounds incredible, it’s all 100% true and verifiable because I said it. I have other people who will back it up. Dozens if not more. None of them were there but they will verify it. I’ve been written up in many books although those books are very hard to find and out of print. Many have been destroyed by super bad people. I can them Luciferites.

I’ve started a self help group called POS (which has many acronyms but one in particular which is probably applicable to Keith as well) where I will be branding women with my initials and those of a d-level actress so I may have my way with the women and humiliate them sexually. I will call them my serfs.

Because I am so brilliant, I am also above the law and anyone who crosses me will be sued by my billionaire heiresses into oblivion. But first I will lose $200 million of their money just to out-do Keith and prove I can lose more money than he can on stupid investments. I will then convince my billionaire heiresses that it was the fault of their father that I lost the money.

When I speak I will flail my arms about like a wounded duck and speak in jibberish saying the occasional thing that I read online about Buddha making me look mad smart.

Rather than getting Mexicans involved in my courses I will get Ecuadorians because they are even better followers and ask fewer questions. Ecuadorian food is also delicious and more in right now than Mexican food.

And I will buy an island close to Samoa that I may flee to should the Luciferites come for me.

I suppose if you look at it both Keith and I read like the Most Interesting Men alive from the Dos Equis commercials. But only one of us has a 12 inch penis and only 1 of us has over 1 trillion patents. Keith only has a billion patents.

I invite you to come join my highly verifiable cult with your extra sexy, extra sociopathic leader – moi. I promise to humiliate you far more than Keith ever would. Although that’s fairly tough given that you wrote that nonsensical, stupid article.

Frank Parlato